Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.
The following article was sent to us by a college girl who had firsthand experience with a partner whose behavior was deeply affected by his frequent porn habit. Unfortunately, her story will be all-too-familiar for thousands of others who have been in similar porn-affected relationships.
FTND Disclaimer: In writing this article, it is not our intention to imply that pornography is the sole cause of every violent sex crime or act—even in this case. Many factors often play into someone acting out violently. Porn can be a common factor in cases of violent sexual abuse and, in this case, played a significant role in this woman’s story.
FTND,
Growing up, I was always told that porn was unhealthy. But I had no idea why. All I knew was what I had been told and that I should avoid pornography at all costs or there would be consequences. I always figured porn’s issues were centered on morality.
It wasn’t until I found myself in a serious committed relationship with a compulsive porn consumer that I learned more. I began to discover the harmful effects pornography has on the brain and how it influences one’s actions, one’s thoughts and perception of reality. Especially perceptions of women and love.
Related: How To Tell If Your Partner Is Struggling With Porn & What To Do If They Are
My boyfriend had been obsessed with porn for nine years when we started dating. However, it took me a year to even find out he had a problem that he still couldn’t control. I grew fearful of my already unhealthy relationship and felt that I was constantly justifying it to those I loved. I can recall all of the times I made excuses for him and defended his unreasonable actions.
I was nothing more than an object to him to satisfy his needs and desires. My opinion and my feelings might as well have been the equivalent to dirt—useless and unimportant.
As I continued my education on the harmful effects that porn has on the brain, I attempted to share my findings with my boyfriend. This only increased his anger and allowed him the opportunity to try and rationalize his actions. He constantly assured me that he could stop whenever he wanted and that it didn’t influence the way he saw or treated me.
Boy, was that the biggest lie I had ever been told.
No desire to understand me or my feelings
I noticed him really start to lose himself as we continued to date. His level of emotion was close to none, his feelings and reactions seemed to not exist. I would even purposefully do things to evoke emotion out of him, but it was useless—he was nothing but empty inside with aggressive desires.
There were countless times I would walk in on him watching porn and I wouldn’t even get a sorry. I would get “it’s your fault for coming in without knocking.” He was great at that—turning things around on me and making me feel like they were my fault.
He became so numb and desensitized to porn that he told me he was sick of people telling him it was unhealthy. He would say that “there are hundreds, if not thousands, of successful and normal individuals that indulged in porn” as he did. He made it clear he had no desire to change and that my only choice was to accept it and move on.
Related: 3 Problems With Saying “Watching Porn Doesn’t Actually Hurt Anyone”
Naively, I continued to battle for my relationship, for the love and affection I once felt from this guy I had entirely given my heart to. But this only resulted in continued rejection and a meaningless and hopeless relationship. As our relationship came to an end, I learned I had not “satisfied him enough” and that he needed other sexual fulfillment. Meaning, he had cheated on me.
This wasn’t just the, “I kissed another girl” cheating, but he cheated in a purely selfish sexual way—he actually avoided kissing the other girl. He told me he would have felt worse if he had kissed her, but he didn’t feel bad because it was just sexual release for him. He went months without ever speaking a word of this incident. He saw it as being taken care of by another woman, just giving him what I wouldn’t.
The escalation and the abuse
Red flag after red flag arose in our relationship but I was committed to sticking by his side and helping him through his problem. But unfortunately, his habit escalated as did our relational problems.
A seemingly minor argument arose that led to uncontrolled anger, which quickly escalated to unexpected violence. But was it unexpected? Looking back, not at all. I know that this was not just a coincidence. Dating someone with a porn obsession that felt comfortable watching violent and graphic films in addition to his obsession of viewing exploited women was only fuel to his already burning fire.
I already knew I was the partner of a compulsive porn-consuming boyfriend. But then I became the victim of an abuser. I thought is this really happening to me? Is this real life?
Related: Study Shows Porn Is Connected to Sexual Aggression
Fortunately, I made it out of the relationship without serious physical harm and have since moved on, although it has taken a lot of time. One of the scariest things to think about is, unlike other addictions, symptoms of a porn problem can be hidden. Computer history can be deleted, doors can be locked and lies can be told. Porn addicts are not like alcoholics that you can see drunk or a drug addict that you can tell is high.
The mental and emotional damage of porn is severe but can be covered for long periods of time, unless you know what you’re looking for. And despite what the consumer may think, porn is not like a football game, where you can turn it on and off whenever they please; it’s an addiction that stays with you and can become all-consuming.
I always just thought porn was just a morality issue. I wish I had known sooner the real science and facts. If you think it is harmless to date someone who has no issue regularly looking at violent porn, consider the effects. If you think sexually explicit and violent material simply remains on the screen with no external impact, think again.
This is my story and I’m telling it to you so it doesn’t have to be yours.
– C.
Anything but harmless entertainment
In writing this article, it is not our intention to imply that pornography is the sole cause of every violent sex crime or act—even in this case. Many factors often play into someone acting out violently. Porn can be a common factor in cases of violent sexual abuse and, in this case, played a significant role in this woman’s story. Thankfully, not every person who consumes porn will violently act out in the same way—but that doesn’t mean porn is harmless. Not even close.
In this woman’s experience, porn hugely fueled the already-burning fire of aggression and anger in her boyfriend’s life. Consider the facts: An analysis of 33 different studies found that exposure to even non-violent porn measurably increased aggressive behavior, and that viewing violent porn increased it even further. These effects include having violent sexual fantasies which can lead to actually committing violent assaults. Not surprisingly, the more violent the porn, the more likely the consumer was shown to support violent acts and act out in violence.
Of course, not every porn consumer is automatically going to turn into an abuser, while that doesn’t mean pornography consumption isn’t still harmful or associated with a wave of violence on a massive scale.
The vast majority of the porn consumed by millions of people every day is teaching that humiliation and violence are a normal part of what sex is supposed to be—and that education is changing what happens in bedrooms around the world. It’s making it more challenging for many consumers to feel aroused unless they can do the things they’ve seen in porn, and it’s leaving their partners feeling like they have to play along. The more porn teaches us that aggression is a part of sex and relationships, the more that violence is being made invisible.
Related: Data Shows Australian Domestic Violence Crisis Is Being Fueled By Pornography
We fight because we can’t ignore what research is telling us about how porn is harming relationships and fueling domestic violence. Join us in speaking out about the real harms of porn and fighting for real love. Normalizing abuse isn’t normal.
