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Why My Porn Obsession Makes Me Afraid to Have Sex in Real Life

By July 28, 2020No Comments

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

Dear FTND,

I don’t know what compelled me to do this. No one asked me to, I just wanted to share my story.

I saw my first pornographic image when I was nine. I am 29 now, which means that for the past 20 years, I have battled with porn every day. Looking back on it now, that first image was nothing at all. But for a 9-year-old, it was everything. I didn’t want it and I didn’t search for it. It came in the form of a spam email and I saw a picture of a woman in her underwear. That was all. No nudity, just that. But at 9-years-old, I knew I had stumbled on something. My young curiosity overcame me and I continued to try and find more of the same. But even at that age, I knew it was something to hide.

Related: Gabe’s Story: How One Man’s Struggle Helped to Destigmatize Porn Addiction (VIDEO)

It wasn’t long before I was caught for the first time. My dad talked to me about it, and explained it was wrong, but it was too late. The young brain was already hooked. I felt terrible, but was fascinated by what I had seen. It was all downhill from there. I began to seek it out, and found it everywhere. It wasn’t long before the pictures of women in their underwear turned into pictures of naked women.

Then, around college, I discovered hardcore porn images. The simple nudity wasn’t really enough anymore. That continued on for a while until, in my last year of college, I discovered pornographic videos. But that quickly led to me chatting sexually with random girls online. Everything was a spiral downward from that first image when I was nine.

People Are Not Products - White

Here I am, 20 years later

Now, 20 years later, I am an addict. I’ve never been addicted to drugs or anything else, but I imagine that this is what it feels like to have that level of addiction. Sometimes the cravings hit me really hard. Sometimes I watch porn because I’m stressed, or hurt, or lonely. A lot of the time I watch simply because I have created a habit of looking. It has changed the way that I think about women, and lowered my self-esteem.

I’ve never had sex before, and, despite how badly I want to, I am terrified to do so now. I don’t think I’m “big” enough. I constantly ask myself questions like, what if I can’t please a woman? What if I can’t climax because I’m so used to doing it by myself? What if my expectations are totally wrong and it messes everything up? (And I’m 99% sure that they are, because I know porn is fake.)

Related: Would Pornography Still Be Harmful If It Didn’t Have Addictive Potential?

Porn has completely skewed the way I look at women. Even though I try not to, the first thing I notice about any female I see is her body. I’ve become so visually oriented, that other qualities matter less and less. It’s turning me into someone that I never wanted to be, and yet, here I am.

I couldn’t say no to porn. I’ve tried to say no over and over. I’ve tried to fight it before. I’ve been to addiction recovery meetings, I’ve had accountability partners, I’ve read books, I’ve used porn blockers and accountability software. I’ve tried through sheer force of will, I’ve been brought to my knees in tears trying to rid myself of this addiction. Nothing has worked. Nothing has helped. Here I am, worse off than I’ve ever been.

Brain Heart World

Don’t fall for it

I’ve been down this road for so long that I don’t even remember what a normal life looks like anymore. (I’m not trying to imply that victory cannot be found, or that the methods I tried won’t work, but I am just trying to show how lost I am.)

Porn looks shallow and harmless in the beginning, but then when you step into it, it’s as deep as the darkest trenches of the ocean. There’s no such thing as “dabbling” or “just a little” or “it’s harmless.” The sweetest poison in the world is still poison. Porn is a poison that doesn’t act quickly. You won’t even know it’s killing you until the damage has been done.

Related: Positive Side-Effects From Quitting Porn, As Told By 90 Real Humans

I hope that you share this. Not because I want the recognition, but because after 20 years, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. If my story will help someone else, then it’s worth me telling.

T.

Fortify

Not everyone will become addicted, but there’s hope if you are

The more you tell a story, the less power it can have over you. And the less power it has over you, the more it can become a source of power and hope rather than secrecy and weakness. For passionate Fighters like T, there is nothing more powerful than being open about past struggles, regardless of the situation. His story gives a face to a difficult topic that isn’t easily talked about.

RelatedTips To Quit: Why Setbacks Don’t Mean Failures

Whether it’s for yourself, your loved one, or for the world, ditching porn is worth it.

We fight for real love because we believe everyone deserves to live their best, healthiest life possible, and that includes being aware and understanding how pornography can take away from real-life experiences and healthy relationships—including the healthy relationship you have with yourself.

RelatedWhy Watching Porn Doesn’t Make You A Bad Person

In the end, pornography can detract from all the great things life has to offer, and viewers deserve to know the truth: watching isn’t worth it.

And for those who do struggle, there is hope.

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out our friends at Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your compulsive behavior, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.

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