FTND note: This post aims to challenge the shaming narrative that often happens in this fight against porn and offer an alternative narrative via exploring actual, real-life experiences. Our intention isn’t to suggest obligation in dating or marrying someone with a porn struggle. Individuals have the right to choose. These women have stories that look different from many other former partners of porn consumers, and that’s okay. Consider what is being said, and understand that in the end, it is up to every individual to decide what is best for them—even if that means ending the relationship or staying with a significant other who is working through a porn issue.
It affects your brain, hurts your partner, warps your ideas about sex, and has so many more impacts.
To put it simply, porn is unhealthy.
It’s harmful to you and to those around you. But just because porn is toxic, it doesn’t mean that those who use it are “bad” or inherently “toxic” people.
Porn doesn’t have to define a couple’s story We believe there’s hope, especially when partners want to fight for the relationship equally.
Sometimes, it is those who compulsive porn consumers are closest to who must have the most prominent and most profound hope for the future.
Rebecca and Mark’s struggle with porn
In this blog post, we wrote about two men who both had porn habits to “ease the struggle of the single life.”
We mentioned a guy by the name of Mark whose own daily porn habit hadn’t ended with a relationship, even with his wife, Rebecca. Instead, it followed him long into their marriage.
We sat down with his wife to get a real-life look at how porn can affect marriages.
“Mark shared with me that he occasionally [watched porn] before we got married,” Rebecca shared with us. “However, I didn’t realize how all-consuming the issue was for him until we were married. It only took a couple of months. I noticed his laptop was always with him, even in the weirdest of places, at odd times. The sexual and relational signs of an obsession with porn were all there too, and they got more and more pronounced as our relationship continued. After a year or so, I started to wonder whether I should stay with him,” she continued, tears in her eyes.
It’s no wonder she began to think that way.
There’s a wealth of evidence that illuminates how mentally and relationally damaging it can be for a partner to find out that their significant other has been consuming porn. Partners often feel many negative emotions, including rejection and betrayal. Also, the secrecy, isolation, and lying associated with a porn habit only serve to plant seeds of mistrust that can lead to even more significant mental and relational issues.
Given the harm that porn can cause in relationships, it’d be easy to assume that Mark and Rebecca broke up and went their separate ways.
But they didn’t.
“There came a point where I knew I couldn’t go on in the relationship if it were going to continue as it had been… with all the lies and hiding from one another. Mark and I eventually ended up talking about everything. Through a lot of tears, he shared with me how he felt trapped by and ashamed of his addiction. He desperately desired freedom and a strong marriage with me but didn’t know how to get those things,” she explained.
“The conversation was so, so difficult, but in hearing Mark share honestly for what seemed like the first time, I felt like I could finally distinguish between him and his porn problem. He was not porn, nor porn him. And, so I chose to stand by his side to fight through it instead of giving up.”
While Mark and Rebecca’s extensive conversation occurred about one year into their marriage, it would take another three years for Mark’s porn struggle to end ultimately. Even though it was tough, Rebecca stayed committed. She endured every counseling session, setback, and difficult conversation about the struggle.
Together, brick by brick, they dismantled the walls that porn had built around Mark’s heart and mind.
Mark has been free from porn for over three years. He shares a healthy, love-filled marriage with Rebecca. He credits much of his freedom to her willingness to support him every step of the way.
Stephanie and John’s journey with porn
We also caught up with Stephanie, wife to John—the other guy we mentioned in this article—who shared with us about her commitment to her husband in his fight with porn.
“It took until the middle of our dating relationship before John finally opened up about his porn struggle,” Stephanie said. “Honestly, the thought of being in a relationship with someone who was addicted to porn scared me. But I realized being addicted to porn was scary for him too… it was as if a riptide had swept him up, and he was stuck, drowning out at sea. There’s this stigma that all men who look at porn are dirty and disgusting. When John and I talked, though, I could see that that wasn’t the case with him. There was a lot of hurt and shame but also a deep desire to be free.”
Now, everything isn’t exactly perfect with John and Stephanie’s relationship. As John shared in our earlier conversation with him, “…the stuff I saw in porn is different from what I experience sexually with my wife, which sometimes makes that part of our relationship more difficult.”
This struggle makes sense because porn fills its content with performers who undergo Photoshop, surgical enhancements, and airbrushing for perfection. Porn creates and fuels unrealistic sexual expectations, and unrealistic expectations affect relationships.
Regardless, amid the repercussions of John’s fight against porn, Stephanie has stayed fully committed.
John said, “With Stephanie, I am fully known and loved, which gives me all the strength in the world to take a stand.”
Love on, fight on
We share these stories to offer hope to couples dealing with porn issues and to challenge the shaming narrative.
Our intention is not to imply obligation in dating or marrying someone with a porn struggle. Individuals have the right to choose. These women have stories that look different from many other former partners of porn consumers, and that’s okay. Ultimately, individuals must decide what’s best for them, whether it involves staying with a partner dealing with porn or not.
If you are struggling with porn or are the partner of someone who is, we encourage you to find support and lean in.
Of course, not every relationship will end like Stephanie’s or Rebecca’s. Sometimes, love cannot and does not outlast a porn struggle, and that’s okay. But know that love can triumph over porn if both are willing. If you know someone who’s struggling with porn, consider what it would mean to stand with them in their fight and offer encouragement. Let them know they are not alone and worth love and support.
Together, like Mark and Rebecca, and John and Stephanie, we can shine a light on how porn hurts, but love can heal.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
Fight the New Drug may receive financial support from purchases made using affiliate links.
Get Help – For Partners
If your partner is struggling with porn, you are not alone—know that there is hope and there is help. As you navigate this difficult situation, supportive communities and resources are available to you. Below is a non-exhaustive list of several resources for those experiencing hurt because of their partner’s porn consumption. Note that this isn’t a complete resource list.
Disclaimer: For those who may find themselves involved in this sensitive situation, their responses can differ. This is why resources must fit the specific needs of those seeking them. Some of these resources are gender-specific, others are religiously affiliated, and others use a variety of approaches. Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative organization. It focuses on awareness and education, offering support resources to those in need. Including this list of recommendations does not constitute an endorsement by Fight the New Drug.
