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How Discovering My Partner’s Porn Secret Pushed Us to Fight For Our Marriage

By February 18, 2020 February 20th, 2020 No Comments

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

This story shows how having something to fight for in a relationship, like fighting to get rid of porn, can bring new life into a partnership.

Dear FTND,

Porn kills love, there’s no better way to put it. I’ve experienced it in my relationship and I would like to share my story.

I very recently discovered your page and it immediately caught my attention because I have struggled with the effects of my husband’s addiction to pornography for more than two years now.

I’ve been checking out all the stuff you guys put up and are thankful for the awareness you guys are spreading about the harms of pornography.

A secret obsession

My husband and I have been married for four and a half years and have been childhood sweethearts since our early teens. In our early years of dating, I was aware of his porn habits and it always made me uncomfortable. Knowing how it made me feel and after wanting to stop himself, he decided to give it up. We got married and built a beautiful life together. I was happy.

Related: How Avoiding Shame Can Help With Healing From Betrayal Trauma

Two years into our marriage I found out that my husband had been consuming porn in secret. It had become an issue that he could not stop. I didn’t have a clue; he was still the most loving husband and never let me see that selfish, deceitful side of him. But every time I wasn’t home, the desire to watch porn would arise and he couldn’t resist.

One day I finally found all the porn he had downloaded on his laptop. I was stunned. When I confronted him about it, he lied at first but eventually gave in and accepted the fact that porn was his drug and he was hooked. I will never forget the way I felt that day. Betrayed, cheated, like I had been punched in the stomach.

Give One For Love

Feeling totally betrayed

For a while after, I constantly had a feeling of great loss deep down. I would find myself crying uncontrollably and grieving like someone had died. Like something had been taken from me. We had lost a lot. Porn does that, it steals from you, it steals love, loyalty, and security from your relationship.

For me, it broke my spirit. I started to see myself differently. No matter what my husband would say, I could never feel enough for him. I also felt I had lost a part of my husband that I could never get back. He had given away what rightfully belonged between us to something cheap and fake.

I was angry, so angry. I felt a deep sense of anger towards every woman my husband watched and imagined himself to be with while I was away. That should’ve been me, I thought to myself. I was his wife and I had given myself to him fully without compromise. It is easy for some to say that watching porn doesn’t count as cheating, but it is cheating.

Related: 4 Ways To Support Yourself & Your Partner Through A Struggle With Porn

I battled with depression and anxiety for the next year after that. At times, the paranoia would get so intense the only way to end it seemed like suicide. Images of what I saw on his computer would constantly come back to haunt me. The women he was into, I would keep getting images of how my husband must have looked at them or thought about them. It was painful, very painful.

Love Can't Be Clicked - Navy

Fighting through the pain

My husband and I sought counseling soon after I found out he was consuming porn to escape because he hated the place he was in and wanted to get out of it.

Luckily, we had close friends stand by us and help us fight for our marriage, and he hasn’t gone back since. But every time I think about even today I could cry in an instant. The pain is real.

Related: The Female Perspective: The Emotional Betrayal of Having a Porn-Addicted Partner

Pornography doesn’t just do harm to the person engaging in it, but it creeps in and destroys every good thing you have going in your life and every close relationship. I remember always feeling like I was alone in my battle, until I read a few articles on FTND about other women that have been through the same thing as me and just knowing that I am not alone and hearing their stories have helped me.

So thank you for doing what you guys do, you are saving people and relationships much more than you know!

The road to recovery

My husband and I are happy now and our marriage has been restored. We have a precious baby girl who just turned one. The road to recovery was not easy but we made it!

It’s important for couples who do go through something like this to fight for love and fight for their relationship. It is worth it. There is hope and things can get better again. My husband said he was relieved when I caught him because it freed him from the dark side he was keeping from me. He felt trapped in it and didn’t know how to tell me or how to get out of the trap he was in because he was so afraid.

I’m glad I found out soon enough to get help and save our marriage.

E.

Fortify

Porn drives a wedge between partners

We applaud this Fighter for her honesty. While they felt it was best for their relationship to fight through a porn struggle, sometimes, that isn’t the case for other relationships.

We get thousands of emails and messages from partners all across the world who describe how their relationship was torn apart by their significant other’s porn habit.

Decades of research from major institutions supported by countless personal accounts from people all over the world confirm that porn is, in fact, not harmless, and we wouldn’t be doing society a service by saying it is. All someone has to do is evaluate the existing research on porn to understand that this issue is bigger than what you might normally hear about porn being a tool to “express sexuality” or “spice up relationships.”

“Porn Kills Love” is an impactful statement that is meant to spark awareness and motivate a change in perspective in our porn-saturated world. It encompasses, in a simplified statement, what the research is saying about porn’s impact on society as a whole, as well as individuals and their ability and/or desire to healthfully bond with others.

Our declaration is “Porn Kills Love,” not that “insert consumer’s name” kills love. Our message is directed at porn itself, not at the person who consumes it. In fact, consider how most porn consumers have no idea that porn is harmful—and why would they? We live in a world where porn is completely normalized, celebrated, and even promoted.

Our mission since day one has been to shine a light on the real harms of pornography and make this issue a hot topic, not some awkward or hidden conversation. By being open about the harms of pornography, we can change attitudes and perceptions about this new drug in our society, and how it’s affecting individuals, relationships, and our society as a whole.

Fight for real love, and fight to change the world.

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out our friends at Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your compulsive behavior, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.

Get Help – For Partners

If your partner is struggling with porn, you are not alone—know that there is hope, and there is help. As you navigate this difficult situation, there are supportive communities and resources available to you. Below is a non-exhaustive list of several resources for those experiencing hurt because of their partner’s porn consumption. Note that this isn’t a complete resource list.

Disclaimer: For those who may find themselves involved in this sensitive situation, their responses can differ. This is why resources need to fit the specific needs of whoever is seeking them. Some of these resources are gender-specific, others are religiously-affiliated, others use a variety of approaches. Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative awareness and education organization hoping to provide access to resources that are helpful to those who need support. Including this list of recommendations does not constitute an endorsement by Fight the New Drug.

Recover

Bloom

Addo Recovery

If this article inspired you to have a conversation with your partner or someone else about porn, check out our step-by-step interactive conversation guide, Let’s Talk About Porn, for tips.

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