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What I Did When I Found Out My Partner Posted Photos of Me to Porn Sites

“I thought I was strong enough to fight through what was occurring but instead it was eating away at me. Porn has warped that man’s mind and hurt his abilities to have a fulfilling relationship.”

By September 13, 2021No Comments

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

Not every porn consumer will resort to taking and posting secret photos of their partner. Even so, the adult entertainment world normalizes otherwise toxic and sometimes illegal behavior.

If at any point in a relationship there is abuse and mistreatment involved, or you fear for your safety, get help immediately.

Hi FTND,

I’m reluctant to share but if it helps someone and I remain anonymous I will.

I consider myself a strong, independent, and confident woman.

I chose not to date for a long time to raise my child, and when I did, I had a few guys who clearly wouldn’t work out and moved on. Until this one guy, I thought at first he was not the right fit for me/my family, but something about his kindness and gentle nature made me persist.

Things escalated quickly

It was a matter of weeks into dating that he said, “I’ve bought you some lingerie, try it on for me.” I’d done this in long-term relationships in the past to spice things up but never in the first few weeks of a relationship. I was immediately concerned.

When I saw what he bought I was shocked. It wasn’t lingerie, it wasn’t sexy—it made a mockery of my assets. I should have run but I thought I was strong enough I could get through this…after all, he bought it for me. He cares, right?

Related: My Partner Had A Second, Secret Phone To Hide His Porn Obsession

Get The Facts

His demands escalated from lingerie to sex toys and watching porn or openly ogling porn performers and porn stores he followed on Instagram.

Lingerie turned to the use of painful sex toys, turned to compromising sex acts, to being called a “whore,” “slut,” “dirty b—” in the bedroom…all for his pleasure. He was insatiable, and the more I performed, the more he seemed to need porn to fuel our sex life.

I left at least a dozen times but came back because he apologized, his gentle nature resurfaced and I believed that “ugly” phase was over…only to find we picked up where we left off.

The day I discovered his secret

The culmination came when I—with just a sickening feeling that something wasn’t right—was looking in secret through his email and found he’d taken photos of me, posted them online, and was promoting me as a type of sex slave on an adult website so that random groups of men could come and have sex with me.

This was to take place when he wanted in order to fulfill his porn fantasy. He was obsessed with porn gang bangs and wanted me to experience this while he watched.

Related: True Story: A Hacker Secretly Streamed My Phone Camera To A Porn Site

I left. I’m safe now but I never ever thought the strong confident woman I know myself to be would ever find herself in the above scenario, ever. It’s unbelievable and it all happened over a short period of time.

I thought I was strong enough to fight through what was occurring but instead it was eating away at me. Porn has warped that man’s mind and hurt his abilities to have a fulfilling relationship.

But it has not ruined me, I have healed and moved on. My value will never be compromised.

J.

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Porn fuels violence

This Fighter’s strength and resilience are admirable and we encourage anyone who has personally experienced the negative effects of porn in their life to seek help.

If you are ever in a dangerous or abusive situation and fear for your safety, do not hesitate to leave and get help. Don’t be afraid to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or visit TheHotline.org. You are not alone.

We’re glad this Fighter was able to make the best and safest decision for herself to leave what had turned into an abusive situation before it got more dangerous. Too many have similar stories and don’t feel they’re able to get help.

It’s entirely possible that her partner had violent and abusive tendencies before his habits escalated, though research shows how porn further fuels this kind of dangerous behavior. Also, keep in mind that nonconsensual content like the type this Fighter’s partner wanted to capture often ends up on porn sites that allow user-generated uploads. Nonconsensual content is not uncommon, and the porn industry profits from nonconsensual content and abuse.

By the lowest estimate, 1 in every 3 porn videos depicts sexual violence or aggression.Fritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(8), 3041–3053. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0COPY  In fact, according to a study that analyzed porn titles alone, 1 out of every 8 titles suggested to first-time users on porn sites described acts of sexual violence.Vera-Gray, F., McGlynn, C., Kureshi, I., & Butterby, K. (2021). Sexual violence as a sexual script in mainstream online pornography. The British Journal of Criminology, azab035. doi:10.1093/bjc/azab035COPY 

While the amount of violence shown in porn is troubling, what is perhaps even more disturbing is the portrayed reactions to that violence. One study found that 95% of the targets of violence or aggression in porn appeared either neutral or appeared to respond with pleasure.Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C. & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update. Violence Against Women, 16(10), 1065–1085. doi:10.1177/1077801210382866COPY  In other words, porn is sending the message that sexual violence is just a part of sexual pleasure.

So how does this normalization of sexual violence affect porn consumers? Well, according to neuroscientific studies, with repeated exposure to porn, consumers can become desensitized to some sexual content and may need to consume increasingly extreme content in order to get the same rush as before.Banca, P., Morris, L. S., Mitchell, S., Harrison, N. A., Potenza, M. N., & Voon, V. (2016). Novelty, conditioning and attentional bias to sexual rewards. Journal of psychiatric research, 72, 91–101. doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychires.2015.10.017COPY 

Related: How The Porn Industry Profits From Nonconsensual Content And Abuse

By watching scene after scene of dehumanizing or violent content, it can start to seem normal.Daneback, K., Ševčíková, A., & Ježek, S. (2018). Exposure to online sexual materials in adolescence and desensitization to sexual content. Sexologies, 27(3), e71-e76. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sexol.2018.04.001COPY Ezzell, M. B., Johnson, J. A., Bridges, A. J., & Sun, C. F. (2020). I (dis)like it like that: Gender, pornography, and liking sex. J.Sex Marital Ther., 46(5), 460-473. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2020.1758860COPY  In fact, research indicates that porn consumers are more likely to sexually objectify and dehumanize others,Mikorski, R., & Szymanski, D. M. (2017). Masculine norms, peer group, pornography, facebook, and men’s sexual objectification of women. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 18(4), 257-267. doi:10.1037/men0000058COPY Skorska, M.N., Hodson, G., & Hoffarth, M.R. (2018). Experimental effects of degrading versus erotic pornography exposure in men on reactions toward women (objectification, sexism, discrimination). The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 27, 261 - 276.COPY Zhou, Y., Liu, T., Yan, Y., & Paul, B. (2021). Pornography use, two forms of dehumanization, and sexual aggression: Attitudes vs. behaviors. Null, 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2021.1923598COPY  more likely to express an intent to rape,Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault.18(4), 212-231. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.625552COPY  less likely to intervene during a sexual assault,Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault. 18(4), 212-231. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.625552COPY  Foubert, J. D., & Bridges, A. J. (2017). What Is the Attraction? Pornography Use Motives in Relation to Bystander Intervention. Journal of Adolescent Research, 32(20), 213–243. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558414547097COPY  more likely to victim-blame survivors of sexual assault,Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault.18(4), 212-231. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.625552COPY Foubert, J. D., & Bridges, A. J. (2017). What Is the Attraction? Pornography Use Motives in Relation to Bystander Intervention. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 32(20), 3071–3089. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260515596538COPY  more likely to support violence against women,Wright, P. J., & Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Men's Objectifying Media Consumption, Objectification of Women, and Attitudes Supportive of Violence Against Women. Archives of sexual behavior, 45(4), 955–964. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-015-0644-8COPY Seabrook, R. C., Ward, L. M., & Giaccardi, S. (2019). Less than human? media use, objectification of women, and men’s acceptance of sexual aggression. Psychology of Violence, 9(5), 536-545. doi:10.1037/vio0000198COPY  more likely to forward sexts without consent,van Oosten, J., & Vandenbosch, L. (2020). Predicting the Willingness to Engage in Non-Consensual Forwarding of Sexts: The Role of Pornography and Instrumental Notions of Sex. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(4), 1121–1132. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01580-2COPY  and more likely to commit actual acts of sexual violence.Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., & Kraus, A. (2016). A meta-analysis of pornography consumption and actual acts of sexual aggression in general population studies. Journal of Communication, 66(1), 183-205. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12201COPY Rostad, W. L., Gittins-Stone, D., Huntington, C., Rizzo, C. J., Pearlman, D., & Orchowski, L. (2019). The association between exposure to violent pornography and teen dating violence in grade 10 high school students. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(7), 2137-2147. doi:10.1007/s10508-019-1435-4COPY Goodson, A., Franklin, C. A., & Bouffard, L. A. (2021). Male peer support and sexual assault: The relation between high-profile, high school sports participation and sexually predatory behaviour. 27(1), 64-80. doi:10.1080/13552600.2020.1733111COPY Mikorski, R., & Szymanski, D. M. (2017). Masculine norms, peer group, pornography, Facebook, and men’s sexual objectification of women. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 18(4), 257-267. doi:10.1037/men0000058COPY 

Related: 7 Things You Can Do If You’re A Victim Of Deepfakes Or Revenge Porn

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In 2016, a team of leading researchers performed a meta-analysis of quality studies on the connection between porn and sexual violence. After analyzing relevant studies on the topic, they concluded that the research left “little doubt that, on the average, individuals who consume pornography more frequently are more likely to hold attitudes conducive to sexual aggression and engage in actual acts of sexual aggression.”Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., & Kraus, A. (2016). A meta-analysis of pornography consumption and actual acts of sexual aggression in general population studies. Journal of Communication, 66(1), 183-205. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12201COPY 

Research also suggests that increased pornography consumption is associated with the enjoyment of degrading, uncommon, or aggressive sexual behaviors.Ezzell, M. B., Johnson, J. A., Bridges, A. J., & Sun, C. F. (2020). I (dis)like it like that: Gender, pornography, and liking sex. J.Sex Marital Ther., 46(5), 460-473. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2020.1758860COPY  Another study indicated that teens often report trying to copy porn in their own sexual encounters, and that the pressure to imitate porn was often an aspect of unhealthy relationships.Rothman, E. F., Kaczmarsky, C., Burke, N., Jansen, E., & Baughman, A. (2015). 'Without Porn… I Wouldn't Know Half the Things I Know Now': A Qualitative Study of Pornography Use Among a Sample of Urban, Low-Income, Black and Hispanic Youth. Journal of sex research, 52(7), 736–746. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2014.960908COPY  And according to a UK survey of over 22,000 adult women, 16% reported having been forced or coerced to perform sex acts the other person had seen in porn.Taylor, J., & Shrive, J. (2021). ‘I thought it was just a part of life’: Understanding the scale of violence committed against women in the UK since birth. VictimFocus. Retrieved from https://irp.cdn-website.com/f9ec73a4/files/uploaded/Key-Facts-Document-VAWG-VictimFocus-2021a.pdfCOPY 

Of course, not all porn features physical violence, but it’s important to recognize that even non-violent porn has been shown to be associated with negative effects like increased sexual aggression.Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., & Kraus, A. (2016). A meta-analysis of pornography consumption and actual acts of sexual aggression in general population studies. Journal of Communication, 66(1), 183-205. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12201COPY  And whether or not porn portrays sexual violence, it often glorifies other toxic narratives, including racism, sexism, incest, and the fetishization of marginalized people.

Related: How Porn Can Fuel Sex Trafficking

Of course, not every porn consumer is going to turn controlling, violent, or abusive. But that doesn’t change the fact that pornography is saturating the world with a tidal wave of dehumanizing violence.

We exist to shine a light on these facts and share the hope of recovery available to anyone who wants to seek it for themself.

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.

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If at any point in a relationship there is abuse and mistreatment involved, or you fear for your safety, get help immediately.

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