Fight the New Drug is an awareness organization educating about the harms of pornography on individuals, relationships, and society. We share research, facts, and personal accounts to help promote understanding for various aspects of this multi-faceted issue. Our goal is to maintain an environment where all individuals can have healthy and productive conversations about this issue, while acknowledging that this issue can impact any person or relationship differently.
Disclaimer: It is not our intention to imply that anyone is obligated to date someone with a past or present porn issue if they are not comfortable with dating them. Ultimately, it is up to every individual to decide what is best for them, whether that's avoiding relationships with certain people or not. This post aims to challenge the shaming narrative that happens all too often in this fight against porn.
Dating is already difficult enough, but navigating porn and dating can be intimidating.
The normalization of porn is ongoing and everywhere, and as a result, lots of people watch porn.
Couple that with the well-known harms of consuming porn; it can be easy to point the finger and label those who consume the ultimate villains. The truth is, they’re not.
Here’s the problem. For those who have struggled with compulsion or addiction to porn, labeling someone as being equal to their porn habit alone ignores who they are as whole people. That label can dehumanize them, and isn’t the dehumanization of people (among other reasons) the exact thing we’re fighting against by speaking out against porn?
So how is not dehumanizing porn performers but choosing to dehumanize former consumers the superior move? Well, it’s not.
1. Past vs. present, person vs. experiences
Someone with a past (or present) struggle is not equal to their struggle.
They are people, students and athletes, friends and mentors, kids and co-workers. They are human. Like any human who struggles, they should not be judged solely by that habit alone.
While research shows that it’s unhealthy to consume pornography, and life is much healthier and happier without it, that doesn’t mean the person who has consumed it is a “bad” person or would automatically make a “bad” partner.
The question is, what is that person’s attitude about their experience consuming porn? Are they unhappy about it or struggling with it? If so, are they doing anything to try and stop it? Can they recognize its harms even if they still struggle?
Asking these questions can help eliminate judgment and fuel understanding, and give that person’s humanity back.
2. Love triumphs over shame
Compared to accountability, empathy, and remorse—all healthy aspects of relationships that help us grow when we struggle—shame can be an experience of humiliation within a community that can de-motivate and discourage growth.
Self-inflicted shame leads people to slip into a depressed funk which is the perfect breeding ground for more issues and more porn if that’s what they’re struggling with. Compulsive behaviors and addictions thrive in this emotionally toxic environment.
This research study found that feeling shame fueled unwanted hypersexual behavior in people who struggled while feeling guilt inspired change.
By removing shame, people facing this problem can gain confidence, knowing they are fighting this alongside millions of others who would also prefer a life without it. While recognizing that quitting porn can be a long process, they can also take comfort in knowing that they’ve already started down that path toward long-term freedom. And you know what? That’s important and worth something.
Encouragement, not shame, is far more effective in keeping someone moving toward lasting freedom, whether you’re in a relationship with that person or not. Love seeks to restore and, depending on what feels right, maybe even cheer them on in recovery. Consuming porn isn’t good for consumers or their relationships, while love can be one of the best things that will help them break the cycle for themselves.
And if you’re someone who isn’t ready or willing to date someone who has dealt with porn in the past, that’s okay, too.
FTND note: we do not believe it is the responsibility of a potential partner or partner to “fix” the porn struggle of someone they’re interested in/dating. Recovery is a journey an individual needs to embark on for themselves first, even though encouragement from a significant other can be helpful in the process.
3. Understanding over judgment
No one said navigating dating is easy, and porn definitely complicates things. But refusing to understand why someone consumes/struggles, or how they first got exposed to it, can make it even more difficult.
If the person you’re considering dating has struggled or does struggle with porn, there are ways to bring the subject out into the open, gain proper understanding, and learn more about them as a whole person in the process. (If you decide it’s not a good fit anyway, again, that’s okay too!)
The reasons people start consuming porn—and continue to consume—are as different as the people themselves. Consuming porn is often a symptom rather than the root of a deeper problem. Understanding this may shed more light on the person and their character.
Sometimes people consume porn as a coping mechanism for other painful things happening in their lives. Most of the stories we receive from those who struggle were exposed accidentally at a young age and didn’t understand how not to look or what to do about it. And too many times, those who struggle to hear others focus so much on how difficult it is to overcome pornography that they can start to believe they will never be able to quit. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy in their minds.
Our experience has been that an untold amount of porn consumers are loving, passionate, and eligible people who are so engulfed in their habit they feel trapped. They want to hide and can’t imagine feeling worthy of someone’s love.
In addition to knowing why and how someone began consuming porn, understanding what they think about it is just as important: why do they continue to consume it if they do? And are they doing anything to try and quit? Have they made progress in their recovery if they are looking to recover?
You may find the person you’re thinking of getting to know, or dating is actively working toward freedom from porn, working toward a better version of themselves. And if that’s true, they see the value of dedicated work and wanting something enough to put in the energy and chase after it.
What lies ahead
Saying you’ll never date anyone with a porn struggle is also saying you’re willing to miss out on amazing people who’ve struggled for the simple fact that they’re human. Of course, anyone is entitled to have that perspective, and we respect you if you hold that perspective.
All the same, we invite you to think about it in these terms: in the world we live in, who doesn’t have some kind of experience with porn, both men and women? The ever-present availability of porn, and its powerful ability to hijack someone’s natural desire for sex, only increases the chances you’ll encounter people in the future—friends, family, and, yes, potential romantic partners—who have had a past or present porn struggle.
To learn how compassion is transformative for someone struggling with porn, watch Drew’s story.
Can you see how discounting someone altogether because they’ve disclosed a past struggle, without first taking into account their current character and their recovery journey, can seem hurtful and shaming?
Even so, moving forward with anyone —whether they’ve struggled with porn or not—requires compassion, love, and understanding, and to choose not to pursue something that you aren’t comfortable with or to decide to walk away if it doesn’t work is entirely okay. Relationships are messy, and love is always a risk.
While these conversations may lead to different answers for different people, they will encourage those with past porn struggles. They will encourage them to continue fighting for freedom and their love. They’ll also encourage people who have yet to struggle but are considering dating someone who has. They advise them to look beyond the surface issue and dig deeper. And who wouldn’t want that?
Fight the New Drug is here to help make these conversations easier by educating about how porn harms, by providing the facts for Fighters like you to spread awareness, and by surrounding the fight for love in the language of love. Fight for the best love for you, and join us in fighting against shame in the process.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
Fight the New Drug may receive financial support from purchases made using affiliate links.
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Get Help – For Partners
If your partner is struggling with porn, you are not alone—know that there is hope and there is help. As you navigate this difficult situation, you will find supportive communities and resources available to you. Below is a non-exhaustive list of several resources for those experiencing hurt because of their partner’s porn consumption. Note that this isn’t a complete resource list.
Disclaimer: For those who may find themselves involved in this sensitive situation, their responses can differ. This is why resources must fit the specific needs of those seeking them. Some of these resources are gender-specific, others are religiously affiliated, and others use a variety of approaches. Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative awareness and education organization hoping to provide access to helpful resources to those who need support. Providing this list of resources does not constitute an endorsement by Fight the New Drug.
If this article inspired you to have a conversation with your partner or someone else about porn, check out our step-by-step interactive conversation guide, Let’s Talk About Porn, for tips.