BlogFeature

What You Won’t See on Porn Sites: Where To Go For the Best Sex Tips

By December 10, 2018 December 19th, 2018 No Comments

A common reason why sexually active couples in long-standing, committed relationships turn to porn is that they watch for ideas to try with their partner.

And in our world where porn is the go-to for everything from entertainment to education, it almost makes sense…but not quite.

Couples who have been together for years often hit a rut in their sex life, want to change up their routine and there’s an endless supply of porn with examples awaiting them. How can you argue with two people in search of ways to improve their sex life?

Related: Hey Cosmopolitan, Stop Telling Snapchatters That Watching Porn Isn’t Cheating

We would simply say that with the increasing variety of porn — including violent, non-consensual, or demeaning explicit content — there are much better, healthier sources to turn to for sex ideas than porn. Allow us to explain.

Why porn isn’t the answer

Porn is not the best place for couples in search for new ideas because, on a basic level, porn is not produced to promote loving relationships. The way that porn portrays men and women as nothing more than physical bodies with a sole purpose of receiving sexual pleasure, it’s clear that porn doesn’t sell anything more than an airbrushed, selfish, one-sided relationship.

From his TED Talk about why he stopped watching porn, writer and lecturer Ran Gavrieli says, “What porn is showing us 80–90 percent of the time is sex with no hands involved. No touching, no caressing, no kissing. Porn cameras have no interest in sensual activities. They are only into penetration. This is not how we authentically desire.”

Related: Popular Porn Site Launches “Sexual Wellness Center” For Sex Advice & Education

Research has also found that after looking at porn, consumers rate themselves as less in love with their partner than those who didn’t see any porn. Another study found that after being exposed to pornographic images, both men and women were more critical of their partner’s appearance, sexual adventurousness and performance.

This is what we mean when we say “porn kills love” and “consider before consuming.”

Dr. Gary Brooks, a psychologist who has worked with porn addicts for the last 30 years, says it another way, too: “There’s a certain way of experiencing sexual arousal that is the opposite of closeness… At best, it can be managed somewhat by some people, but most of the time it creates a barrier that poisons relationships.”

We all know this, but it’s worth repeating: porn is an exaggerated, airbrushed, and highly edited digital fantasy. While most adults can comprehend that, porn still twists ideas of attraction, sexual pleasure, and consent. The negative narratives porn shows can still affect a longstanding committed relationship, and in some cases, it can even lead to a break-up.

So…where do you go for the best sex tips?

So if we know where not to turn to for sex advice and tips for a healthy and committed relationship, where should we go for good info?

Instead of turning to porn, a better place a couple can start to freshen their physical relationship is through honest communication with each other, if not therapy if both partners are interested in talking to a neutral but knowledgable third-party. We know this sounds too good to be true, but hear us out. Honest and open communication about sex requires both partners to be totally vulnerable, and in that moment, a couple can rekindle a deep connection that brings purpose and meaning to their intimacy. True sexiness can be found in being completely open in talking about desire with a committed partner who wants nothing more than to please you the way you want.

Related: I Wish I Didn’t Already Know Everything I Do About Sex From Porn

Committed, loving partners can build intimacy by simply sharing honestly what they are interested in sexually. This can be a time to learn to listen, and in turn, be heard. It can turn the conversation about physicality into more about what you give, not just get. After all, healthy love is in part about understanding a person and their unique needs, right?

The value of trust

Trust is not necessarily an automatic gift to a partnership when you make it Facebook official. Through open communication and honesty, a couple can build or, if need be, repair a sense of trust that will a lot of times benefit in the bedroom. When two people are comfortable with each other, they can explore all aspects of their intimate life respectfully. This can include changing up a steady but stale routine, creating a romantic experience and dedicating time to sex. It all comes down to honest communication, though.

Related: Asking My Wife To Watch Porn With Me Actually Ruined Our Marriage

Think about it this way: turning to porn for suggestions could be a cover-up for a conversation that needs to happen, sometimes. We think the conversation is a much better solution to improve your physical relationship, without creating problems in the future. Also, professional and licensed therapists can be an awesome resource for both individuals and couples.

Bottom line

Basically, it isn’t worth the risk to add porn into a relationship for any reason, even if it’s one that’s based in love. Even when there are struggles, porn is not the answer. It doesn’t solve issues in the bedroom, it creates them.

The problem is, porn has become so normalized in our society, which is why we’ve heard friends use the excuse that they watch porn with their partner to get ideas. They think that it’s safe and harmless because they view it together. While we are all for committed couples working together to improve their sex lives if that’s what’s important to them, watching porn as “research” is clearly not the way to do it.

From both personal stories and research explaining how porn can tear apart a couple, it’s clear that it has no place in a healthy relationship. What the porn sites won’t tell you: try ditching getting turned on by other people’s naked bodies, and instead, opt for open, honest conversations—clothing optional.

Get Involved

If you think healthy love is sexier than porn, SHARE this article and spread the word that good sex advice isn’t found on screen!

Send this to a friend

Like all websites, we use cookies. By continuing on this site, you agree to our use of cookies. More

The cookie settings on this website are set to "allow cookies" to give you the best browsing experience possible. If you continue to use this website without changing your cookie settings or you click "Accept" below then you are consenting to this.

Close