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The Moment I Realized I was Competing with Porn in All My Relationships

By July 15, 2019 No Comments
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Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

Recently, we received a pretty heartbreaking story, sent to us by a young woman. Her story is one of a relationship robbed of all love and intimacy due to the selfish downward spiral that porn creates. We wish we could tell you that this was just a rare story from the occasional inbox message we receive. It’s not. But there is hope in the end. Here's her story.

Dear FTND,

Porn entered my life at a very young age. I was 13 when I had my first boyfriend. Throughout our relationship I learned about my boyfriend’s “habit.” He would describe the scenes he would see in the movies he would watch. Something about it made me feel uneasy in my mind and even queasy to my stomach.

I did not question him for months, until the day we decided to have sex for the first time. We tried to be intimate but he could not achieve an erection. So he ran downstairs to watch porn while I lay there waiting for him.

Related: 5 Ways Porn Can Harm Your Brain, Body, And Quality Of Life

He came back up the stairs aroused but as soon as he laid next to me, he lost it.

This was the moment when I realized I was in a war against pornography. I felt unworthy, ugly, and humiliated. He chose porn over me. I had asked him to stop watching it, but he never could. We never ended up having sex and I broke up with him a few months later.

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The routine of every relationship

From that relationship on, every single experience I had with a guy involved a battle with pornography. Pornography made me feel worthless. I was never good enough for these boys that I so deeply cared about. I began to develop intense anxieties when watching any movie with a sex scene, or a naked girl, or even a girl in a bikini. It got to the point where my boyfriends could no longer watch these movies because I was so deeply traumatized and hurt by my past experiences.

What would they feel if they saw a naked girl? Would they feel aroused by her? Could I compete with the girl on the screen?

Eventually, this trauma turned around and was used against me in my own mind. I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to become “more” than these porn performers. I would have to try to compete with porn stars so that my boyfriend would never watch porn again. I tried to become the “best in bed.” I would sleep around with countless men to prove a point. But just like their porn, I was used and forgotten. I was simply a one night stand. That is what I was good for. I never knew how to say no to these boys. I wanted to, but I thought if I said no, they would find something better than me.

Related: 3 Reasons Why Healthy Relationships And Porn Don’t Mix

No matter how many men I cared for, no matter how much they told me how “beautiful” and “amazing” I was, I was in a constant battle with pornography. Men were constantly lying about their habits to me, and then I would always catch them in their lies. I spent so much time questioning them, until they finally gave in and admitted to these habits. And again, I would break down…

Why I will never stop fighting

I fell in love with my soulmate last year. He is the sweetest and kindest guy I have ever met. I begged him from the beginning of our relationship to not watch pornography. He knew my stories. He knew my anxieties. He knew my fears. He heard me cry countless times about pornography. He knew I could not stand him watching.

He promised me he would never ever hurt me like that. Yet, after a year of dating, I learned that he had been struggling with porn the whole time. After I had been fighting for over 11 years with pornography in my relationships, I just felt so hopeless. He knew about my struggles! How could he hurt me like this? How could he lie to me? How dare he make these empty promises that I believed? How could someone who I spilled my heart and soul to turn against me?

RelatedHow Avoiding Shame Can Help With Healing From Betrayal Trauma

Fortunately, my boyfriend stopped watching pornography after that day, but my wounds are still very much healing. It took many, many months to start moving past this deep-seated wound. I love him so much and I had to come to realize that if I love him, I won’t just walk away. Some relationships are worth working for. I will forgive him and I will invite him to learn, and everyone else who will listen, the harmful truths about pornography.

I am so thankful that I came across FTND. Please, please, please… I BEG YOU ALL… continue the war against pornography. DO NOT GIVE IN. It will do no good for anyone. It hurts the consumers, those that love them, and everyone involved.

Thanks for letting me share my story. Keep fighting!

– M.

The read the male side of a similar relationship story, click here.

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Why This Matters

The story above is just one of thousands of personal stories we receive from people all over the world who have had their life and relationships negatively affected by pornography. Facts are facts: porn is harmful to relationships and research is proving it.

Sometimes it’s best for partners to part ways after a porn struggle is divulged—other times, like in this case, staying and fighting against porn together is best for everyone involved. In the end, it’s up to to the couple to decide what they want and need. Either way, shaming doesn’t help both partners heal and move on from porn.

RelatedDo Women Get Addicted To Watching Porn?

It should be noted that one of the more serious effects porn can have on a relationship is that it can completely rock the foundation of trust that healthy relationships are built on.

Just like we see in the story above, porn is almost always sneaky, secretive behavior—it inserts itself into a relationship like a stubborn third wheel, warping the attitudes and thoughts of the consumer. It can lead to increased insecurity and decreased satisfaction in a relationship, and is even shown to be a cause for increased divorce and infidelity.

All these reasons, and more, are why we say that porn is anything but harmless personal entertainment. It truly affects not only the consumer, but their partner, too, for both men and women.

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out our friends at Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your compulsive behavior, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.

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