What Porn and Shame Have to Do With Child-on-Child Sexual Assault

Let’s be Honest—Pornography Fuels Child-on-Child Sexual Assault

By Heidi Olson, a SANE Certified Pediatric Nurse in Kansas City

As a nurse, you hear certain pieces of advice repeated throughout your career.

The best and most accurate advice comes from the mouths of those older, wiser, and experienced nurses who have seen it all and somehow continue to trudge along through grueling 13-hour shifts. These nurses always give some version of “Trust your gut” while you struggle to determine what is wrong with your patient. As a new nurse, I find this concept to make no sense. You want facts, charts, vital signs, and numbers. But as you grow, you realize that “trusting your gut” gives insight into the unspoken, vital pieces of a situation.

I am a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) at a large children’s hospital. My job is to collect evidence, look for injuries, provide support, and testify in trials for victims of sexual assault. If you’ve ever heard of a “rape kit,” SANE nurses are the ones who collect the evidence for the kits.

My first gut instinct

I remember distinctly where I was sitting several years ago when my gut told me something was off. I was talking to the parents of a 5 year-old-girl who had been sexually assaulted by her 12-year-old brother. The father of the children stumbled upon the assault, and there were no questions as to what kind of violation took place. As the tearful parents grieved and asked, “Why would our son do this?” my mind pondered those same questions.

Here is the reality: children learn these types of sexually aggressive behaviors. Children don’t instinctively act out sexual violence on each other. They don’t instinctively want to violate or push sexual boundaries with their siblings or younger children. These things are learned. Of course, many children who act out in sexually harmful ways have been victimized themselves, but what my intuition told me was that there is an unspoken factor occurring in many assaults.

Related: How Violent Porn Fueled a 400% Rise in Child-On-Child Assaults in the UK

Many sexual assaults occur because of what perpetrators have been exposed to via their screens. Children watch violent sexual acts with no previous direction or insight into what is normal, healthy sexual behavior and then perform these sexual acts on other children. This is extremely concerning as pornography is more accessible and violent than ever, which correlates with the rise of child-on-child sexual assault.

As my mind raced over these thoughts, the mother of the children blurted out, “Well, we have found a lot of porn on our son’s phone lately. Do you think that has anything to do with this?” I knew at that moment that these two things were completely intertwined.

They can’t drive, but they’re committing assault

When I became a SANE nurse, I thought the typical perpetrator was most likely going to be a creepy older male in his 60s who lured kids into his basement with lollipops, but I was wrong.

The biggest age range of perpetrators that I see in my hospital is CHILDREN. In fact, in 2016 and 2017, and continuing this year in 2018, our biggest age range of people committing sexual assaults is children ages 11-15 years old.

Let that sink in for a minute.

These kids aren’t even old enough to drive. Yet, they are committing the most sexual assaults in our region. To put this in an even bigger perspective, my hospital sees one of the highest volumes of sexual assault victims in the United States. Our numbers are large, meaning these young perpetrators are not an anomaly.

Related: Porn Impacts Student Sexual Harassment in Schools—Here’s How

I was alarmed by the number of 11, 12, and 13-year-old perpetrators I saw. I started looking through our past sexual assault victim’s stories and found hundreds and hundreds of records of sexual assault survivors who another child perpetrated. Pornography is often a driving factor and sometimes the only factor that influences a child to act out in a sexually harmful way. As I have studied our data and seen more and more patients, we must understand the way that pornography is creating devastating effects for children across our country.

Watch: Expert Heidi Olson Talks About the Role Porn Plays in Child Sexual Assault

The growing trend of child-perpetrated sexual assault

The children that I see are not in a vacuum. Stories of child-on-child sexual assault are ringing out all over the world. The trend is growing rapidly. With pornography being so widespread and easily accessible, more and more children are viewing and subsequently acting out what they see on vulnerable children. Often their younger relatives. It’s not just young boys; we see young girls as perpetrators as well.

The solutions are not quick or easy. There’s shame involved with families who have a child sexually act out on another child. Most families do not want to talk about or admit that this tragedy has occurred within their family. Not many specialized therapy groups or court-mandated services cater to this issue, so there are limited resources for healing. To compound the problem, we live in a culture that continuously normalizes pornography and refuses to acknowledge the ugly truth that it fuels sexual assault and rape culture.

Related: In a #MeToo World, Porn Sells Abusive Nightmares as Sex Fantasies

In these quiet moments of tragedy, in the Emergency Department, while the dust settles and families try to make sense of what is happening, I hear the truth. I see the correlations. I hear the confessions that pornography influenced sexual assaults. I hear the truth that pornography was made of a victim, shown to a victim, or was the direct reason why a child acted the way he or she did.

I have seen things that I cannot write about, violence that is hard to fathom, let alone explain, and moments that have left me nauseous and in tears. Things are inflicted upon beautiful, innocent children at the hands of other children. Brutal assaults are carried out by the hands of teenage boys who believe that sexual violence is “normal.”

I see kids who think that anal and oral sex are normal before they’ve even gone through puberty. I come face-to-face with stories about kids who do not listen when a victim repeatedly tells them “no.” Why? Because they’ve seen the violence, the strangulation, the slapping, and the name-calling of women a thousand times in pornography and think that it is “normal “sexual behavior. Then they act it out, leaving behind a wake of destruction for themselves and their victims.

Both perpetrator and victim, and the role shame plays

There are so many heartbreaking elements to this subject, and it’s important to remember that the perpetrators are also victims.

While I do not condone their actions and stand with victims of sexual assault, children who are acting out sexually are also victims of a culture that will not protect them. A culture that allows them to be exposed to sexual violence while calling it “normal.” A culture that does not offer services for children who are addicted to pornography and acting out. A culture that does not allow children today to have childhoods filled with adventure, innocence, and wonder but instead is filled with airbrushed naked bodies, violent sexual acts, and the demolition of an entire generation of kids who have been sexualized since they could look at a screen.

Shame plays a leading role in silencing both the victim and the perpetrator from seeking help or speaking up. Most victims feel that the assault was somehow their fault. They wade through a confusing and devastating reality, trying to understand what happened. Children who view pornography and act out in harmful sexual ways often feel that they cannot tell anyone what is happening. Sex, masturbation, pornography, and sexual assault are usually topics that are never brought up in homes or by caregivers. Shame sends the message that speaking up will result in being humiliated, rejected, and pushed away.

Related: Are there Similarities Between Porn Themes and Sex Offender Characteristics?

Shame perpetuates the devastating cycle of silence, abuse, and addiction to pornography. Children who are exposed to pornography rarely speak up or seek help from an adult, afraid of what the reaction will be. Parents, caregivers, and guardians must create an environment where it’s safe to discuss “taboo” issues. Otherwise, children get lost down a dangerous path of viewing more and more pornography and eventually act out what they’ve seen on other vulnerable kids.

The United States is seeing thousands upon thousands of our children being sexually assaulted every year, which also means that thousands of children are deemed perpetrators every year. This reality has massive ramifications on both sides of the equation in terms of mental illness and adverse health outcomes. In 20 years, when an entire generation of adults has experienced sexual violence, what will the world look like?

My gut instinct proved to be right. Pornography is fueling one of the best-kept secrets of our time. Childhood innocence is being destroyed at lightning speed.

But the good news is that we can help.

How we can protect, validate, help, and educate

One of the best things a parent or caregiver can do is respond with validation toward your child. Meet your child with grace and acceptance. Whether they were the one assaulted or confessed to struggling with pornography. If a child says they were assaulted, believe them! Research shows that children (and adults, for that matter) do not lie about sexual assault. Respond to them with statements like, “You’re really brave for telling me that. Thank you.” Protect the child who has been assaulted; do not put them in situations with the perpetrator. To interact with the perpetrator is unsafe and re-traumatizing.

Give the same validating response to a child who admits to viewing pornography. Shame creates isolation and silences children from speaking up or seeking help. Removing shame increases children’s chances of healing, growing, and speaking up about their experiences in the future.

Get help. Kids’ brains need help sorting out trauma and early sexualization. Therapy is necessary for children who have been assaulted and children who have acted out in harmful sexual ways.

Engage. Children often accidentally stumble upon porn while innocently searching for other things online. Discuss porn with your children early and create a safe environment for them to speak up when they encounter it. Check your children’s screens and devices frequently. Children who habitually look at porn are more likely to act out. Check and see what your kids are looking at. Talk to your children about their bodies. Empower them by telling them that other people should never be taking pictures of or touching their private areas because their bodies are precious and belong to them.

Educate. Talk to others about online safety. Discuss the correlation between sexual assault and pornography and about keeping kids safe. The more people are aware, the better chance we have at protecting our kids.

Go with your gut

While this topic is heavy and overwhelming, I think we must realize the insidious world that pornography is creating for our kids. My last piece of advice is, “Go with your gut.” If something doesn’t “seem right” with your child, it’s not. Create a safe environment through talking and actions. Provide a space where your child knows they can disclose that they have been abused or are struggling with what they’ve seen online. Express that your children will be met with kindness and protection rather than shame or denial.

Safety and validation from a caregiver make all the difference in the world to a child’s healing process.

About the Author

Heidi Olson, RN, MSN, CPN, SANE-P, is a Certified Pediatric Nurseediatric Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE); she and Certified P is also the Founder and President of Paradigm Shift Training and Consulting, which equips healthcare workers with skills to be able to identify and treat victims of trafficking and exploitation. She previously managed the SANE Program at a large children’s hospital, where she performed/reviewed over 1,500 pediatric sexual assault exams, many of them trafficking cases, communicated with a large multidisciplinary team, and educated hundreds of staff members on relevant topics regarding sexual violence. Heidi also serves as an expert witness in civil and criminal trials related to sexual assault.

In 2019, Heidi implemented an evidence-based screening process in an Emergency Department, which has resulted in hundreds of vulnerable children being identified as victims of exploitation. Heidi has testified in favor of bills that have been passed into law, and most recently, Heidi testified at a briefing in Washington, D.C., about protecting children online. Over the last few years, Heidi has presented over 200 times internationally about recognizing human trafficking, child-on-child sexual assault, pornography, and exploitation. Heidi has also been featured in several documentaries, including Vulnerable Innocence, which has won 24 awards.