Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.
We recently received a heartbreaking personal story from a Fighter whose husband struggles with porn. Her story shows how our struggles do not define who we are, and love can help to break the toxic cycle porn can create.
FTND note: The aim of this post is to challenge the shaming narrative that happens often in this fight against porn, and offer an alternative narrative via exploring actual, real-life experiences. It is not our intention to imply that anyone is obligated to date/marry someone with a porn struggle, if they do not want to. This person has a story that looks different from many other former partners of porn consumers, and that’s okay. Consider what is being said, and understand that in the end, it is up to every individual to decide what is best for them—even if that means ending the relationship, or staying with a significant other who is working through a porn issue.
I wanted to share my story with you. Please change my name if you share it.
After an incredibly painful divorce, I met a wonderful man and am now remarried. He has struggled with porn for a long time though. I was living in a state where porn is such a huge issue that when I began talking to guys to potentially date, I asked them WHEN they’ve struggled with porn, not IF they have.
Related: Even After My Divorce, I Don’t Believe Porn Is A Dating Deal-Breaker
My husband was very upfront and honest with me. Since we started dating, we regularly check-in to see if he has slipped up. He had been doing fine for months, and then we got in a fight and I could tell he was depressed about something and even got the feeling he was ashamed. I asked if he had watched porn. He told me he had. That week (only five days by that point) he looked at it enough to have lost count. He knew it was more than five but less than 10. It was at night when I was sleeping…right next to him…in our bed.
Now, we’re newlyweds. And even with a large blended family with many young kids, we still have a very active sex life. Without going into too much detail, I don’t fit the stereotype of the woman whose husband watches porn. I have a high sex drive, and have never turned him down. I was in a previous relationship for close to a decade and never turned him down either. I’m not a prude. There aren’t things he wants me to do that I wouldn’t want to do.
Related: The Problem With Saying “I Would Never Date Someone With A Past Porn Struggle”
That week when he slipped up, there wasn’t one day he watched porn that we hadn’t had sex. I didn’t know Tumblr was so saturated with porn, but that was the free and easy way he was accessing it. I did my best to remain calm when he told me. He answered all of my very specific questions honestly. Still, despite knowing what I know about there being little to no connection between how attractive or willing a person is and their partner’s porn habit, I was crushed.
I cried for maybe three hours, fell asleep for four, then woke up and cried for another two to three hours. He cried with me. He kept begging me to tell him what he could do. If I had asked him to give me a vital organ, he would have. He was truly crushed to have hurt me so badly. Still, I felt worthless. I felt undesirable and ugly. All of a sudden, I could see no merit in my personality, I could only think about what those women had that I didn’t.
Related: It’s Okay To Not Be Okay: What Partners Of Porn Viewers Wish You Knew
Thankfully I am fortunate to have a partner who doesn’t downplay my feelings. He took everything I said and did after this revelation seriously. It hit me harder than I thought it would, honestly.
The following day, we actually had an amazing time together just enjoying each other’s company and spending time with our children. Something quite frightening happened, though. Every time he left the room for more than two minutes, I started reliving what had happened. I felt my breath quicken and I couldn’t quite get enough oxygen. I felt paralyzed with fear and anxiety. I’ve never had a panic attack in my life, and that day I think I had eight. But through it all, he was so supportive. When he realized this was happening, he took my hand and told me he wouldn’t leave my side until I felt safe again.
He spent most of his time that day telling me all the things he loves about me. How attracted he is to me, and how I’m more than he ever thought he could have in life. He held me, kissed me, and reassured me endlessly. He’s always this way to some extent, but he tried even harder because he couldn’t handle hurting me this way.
Related: Is It A Bad Idea To Date Someone Who Watches Porn?
My point is this: someone who watches porn isn’t necessarily disgusting, mean, ungrateful, or undeserving of their partner. In fact, there are men like my husband; loving, kind, devoted, and yet plagued with a drive to engage in behavior they themselves find appalling. I don’t excuse his behavior, and neither does he. I also do everything I can not to attach shame to the act. I appreciate what I have and work on the issues that need attention.
You don’t always have to leave because you’ve been hurt (though it’s totally okay if that’s what’s best). I know that for me, we are so much stronger working through this together, and even though he has caused me pain that is in some ways irreparable, I love him more than ever because he doesn’t take the easy way out of this mess. He’s fighting because he loves me. We’re both fighting because we love each other.
–G.
Pro-love, anti-porn, anti-shame
This heartbreaking yet hopeful story shows how the struggle is not the defining characteristic of the person struggling. The problem with porn is that it has the capability to entice and attract anyone, even those who actively hate porn and are in otherwise healthy, happy relationships. And while it would be easy to say that it’s the struggler’s fault for not resisting the powerful attraction of porn, saying so ignores the magnetic pull that porn can have on the most unsuspecting people.
We encourage couples and individuals to make decisions about their relationships that are best for them. Sometimes, that choice is to end the relationship, and sometimes, that choice is to stay and support each other. There is room for everyone to experience an outcome that works for them, regardless of if that choice looks different from what someone else has experienced. We respect the decisions people make for themselves. While every couple is different, shaming does not help with recovery nor productive conversations about porn in relationships.
The aim of this post is to challenge the shaming narrative that happens often in this fight against porn, and offer an alternative narrative via exploring actual, real-life experiences. It is not our intention to imply that anyone is obligated to date/marry someone with a porn struggle, if they do not want to. This woman has a story that looks different from many other former partners of porn consumers, and that’s okay. Consider what is being said, and understand that in the end, it is up to every individual to decide what is best for them—even if that means ending the relationship, or staying with a significant other who is working through a porn issue.
The important thing to remember is that her partner was honest and chose to quit porn for himself, finally, not for her. When confronting a pornography problem in a relationship, that is one hugely important key—they have to want to ditch porn for themself, first.
Related: How These Women Supported Their Partners Through Compulsive Porn Habits
On the surface, a porn struggle may seem basic and uniform, but the truth is, everyone’s experience is as different as their unique personality and their unique story. We’re here to fight for love, and give it a real chance. After all, real people aren’t perfect, but they are all different. And unlike the repeated “storylines” or abuse that’s shown all too often in mainstream porn, no two people and no two love stories are alike. We believe in love, not shame.
If you are struggling with porn, or are the partner of someone who is, we encourage you to find support and lean in—whether that be your friends, family, and significant other.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
Fight the New Drug may receive financial support from purchases made using affiliate links.
Get Help – For Partners
If your partner is struggling with porn, you are not alone—know that there is hope, and there is help. As you navigate this difficult situation, there are supportive communities and resources available to you. Below is a non-exhaustive list of several resources for those experiencing hurt because of their partner’s porn consumption. Note that this isn’t a complete resource list.
Disclaimer: For those who may find themselves involved in this sensitive situation, their responses can differ. This is why resources need to fit the specific needs of whoever is seeking them. Some of these resources are gender-specific, others are religiously-affiliated, others use a variety of approaches. Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative awareness and education organization hoping to provide access to resources that are helpful to those who need support. Including this list of recommendations does not constitute an endorsement by Fight the New Drug.
