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How I Talked to My Partner About His Secret Porn Habit After 9 Years

By July 26, 2020 July 27th, 2020 No Comments

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

We received a story that shows what a real struggle pornography can turn into. The following story shows how porn can isolate partners and drive a wedge in their otherwise intimate relationship.

Hey FTND,

I want to thank you for your movement.

Nine years ago, I found out that the man I love was watching porn/looking at pictures of women online. I never told him I knew, but I felt like I died inside. We had only been married for 6 months, at that point.

I had saved myself for him, and I felt so betrayed. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, beautiful enough. I felt ashamed I didn’t have more experience—which was something I had always been proud of in the past—and that if I was better in bed, etc., he would have only eyes for me.

Related: Asking My Wife To Watch Porn With Me Actually Ruined Our Marriage

This spiraled out of control. I began obsessing over how I looked. I started looking online and researching how to give better experiences in bed. My husband never knew, but I cried after every time we were physical together because I so desperately wanted to feel LOVE while having sex, not desperation and the pressure I gave myself to perform well and act like his dream “porn star.”

Fortify

Three years ago, I just gave up. I fell into a deep depression, keeping the secret that I knew what he was doing in private. I gained a lot of weight, stopped taking care of myself—why try? I would NEVER be good enough—and cried every time he was away on business or left home alone.

Last year, I started reading some of the articles on your blog. I so desperately wanted my husband to be healed, and I didn’t want secrets to be in our relationship anymore. I was tired of fighting, but never saying the root of all the problems. I was tired of him saying, “I already said you were beautiful, why don’t you just believe me.” I was tired of knowing the man he really was, and still seeing these images in my mind after I saw them on the screen. I was tired of everything, just so done.

RelatedTrue Story: I Became His Porn Star To Try And Save Our Relationship

Finally, after reading your articles, following your Facebook page, and educating myself, I took a big leap.

Six months ago, I started caring about myself again. I still struggle everyday with my self-esteem, and I still struggle thinking if I will ever be enough, but I know in my head that his problem is not about me. I know in my head that this is HIS problem, not mine. I am working on transferring that to my heart.

Conversation Blueprint

Last month, I finally had the calm and confidence in my heart to talk to him. I told him that I knew about the “computer activities” he was doing—that I had always known. I told him I still loved him, but this was a problem that we needed to fight. I told him I would fight with and for him, but he had to fight for himself. He was much more receptive and honest than I imagined!

Related: 5 Tips For When It’s Time To Talk About Porn With A Partner

I can tell we have much more to talk about, but I am so encouraged. He asked me to put porn blockers on the electronics, as he had tried before, but knowing the passwords, he would always bypass them whenever he wanted. Now, I feel like we are on a path to healing. I am anticipating some setbacks, but finally, 9 years later, I feel hope.

THANK YOU for educating us. THANK YOU for helping me see and take the next step toward healing!

K.

Brain Heart World

More common than you’d think

K’s story is just one of thousands of personal accounts we get from significant others all across the world, hurt by their partner’s porn consumption. Science and research show that pornography harms the individual by harming sexual expectations and damaging relationships.

Research has found that marriages in which one person has a porn problem or sexual compulsion are often plagued by less intimacy and sensitivity, as well as more anxiety, secrecy, isolation, and dysfunction in the relationship. As a result, divorces related to porn use have “exploded,” says Dr. Gary Brooks, a psychologist who has been working with porn addicts for 30 years.

RelatedIt’s Okay To Not Be Okay: What Partners Of Porn Viewers Wish You Knew

There is hope, but the facts are in: porn isn’t harmless entertainment, and you and your relationship deserve better than what porn has to offer.

Get Help – For Partners

If your partner is struggling with porn, you are not alone—know that there is hope, and there is help. As you navigate this difficult situation, there are supportive communities and resources available to you. Below is a non-exhaustive list of several resources for those experiencing hurt because of their partner’s porn consumption. Note that this isn’t a complete resource list.

Disclaimer: For those who may find themselves involved in this sensitive situation, their responses can differ. This is why resources need to fit the specific needs of whoever is seeking them. Some of these resources are gender-specific, others are religiously-affiliated, others use a variety of approaches. Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative awareness and education organization hoping to provide access to resources that are helpful to those who need support. Including this list of recommendations does not constitute an endorsement by Fight the New Drug.

Recover

Bloom

Addo Recovery

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out our friends at Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your compulsive behavior, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.

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