Trigger warning: The following post contains descriptions of porn acts and sex acts found in porn. Reader discretion advised.
Recently, a group of young guys was asked about their sexual expectations when going out with someone for the first time.
Here are some of the responses, all posted on Thought Catalog:
“Initially, I thought you were relationship material, but after texting for a while, I realized you weren’t really my type. But if you were DTF [down to f—], that was fine with me, I just didn’t want you thinking it was going to lead to a relationship.”
“I’m 28 and I’m seeing a 23-year-old girl. I think she was sketched out and kind of surprised that I wanted to go out and have a second date before going home to her. I guess she had planned for some whole evening f—fest or something.”
“Some people just want meaningless sex. That doesn’t mean he isn’t a good guy, just that he doesn’t want to waste time on a maybe.”
“I’d love to f— every cute girl I talk to on the internet, but I’m happy to go out first if that’s what they want to do. And I don’t mind doing it, if a girl is a good lay, I’m going to want to f— her more than once.”
“People that are in the top 5-10% on the hotness scale pretty much expect the world to revolve around what they want. Why? Because it does. Yes, there are pockets of resistance, but overall, when they want something, they get it. Maybe not from you, but from the next girl, or the one after that…or the next ten after that…”
Related: What If We Told You Not All Men Enjoy Abusing And Humiliating Others?
Casual hook-ups and dates contingent on whether they’ll “get some” or not—it’s the new norm with this generation and possibly the next.
Some women seem to be on board, too. In a recent survey, 76% of men and about 40% of women said they would sleep with someone on the first date. Another survey showed that 70% of people have had at least one one-night stand.
It’s clear that casual sex is becoming more common, but what’s especially concerning is the increase in normalization of violent sexual behavior.
Mainstream Porn Today
One quick Google search shows mainstream porn sites filled with videos that include domination, rape, gangbangs, choking, slapping, and spitting. There are even entire categories dedicated to terms like a “facial”—when a man ejaculates onto a woman’s face—and “fisting”—when someone forces their entire fist into a fellow performer’s vagina or anus.
Related: True Story: I Ditched Porn When I Realized That “Extreme” Is Now Mainstream
While you might expect these violent themes to only be in the most hardcore porn out there, the fact is, we’re talking mainstream sites, here. The hardcore porn of yesteryear pales in comparison to what can be accessed today on the front pages of these porn sites.
Related: Hall Of Fame Porn Star Speaking Out After Being Stomped/Choked On Porn Set
In fact, about 87% of porn performers will take a “facial” and 39% will do a double penetration scene at least once, according to a recent study. And of the 10 most common female roles in porn, 3 include someone being taken advantage of (teen, MILF, cougar), two include incest (daughter, sister), and one includes a wife cheating on her spouse.
And, you guessed it, porn portrays people responding with pleasure to all of these scenarios—leaving out the consequences and negative effects that would surely result in real life.
Not-So-Great Expectations
Hear us out: we’re not saying that porn is solely responsible for the normalization of casual or extreme sex and rough or violent sex acts. Even still, the evidence can’t be ignored that porn does influence how people think about sex. What sexual expectations are these themes influencing our generation and the next to have?
It’s no secret that porn is where a lot of young people learn about sex. They may not even realize that porn is teaching them how to behave sexually—how to look, how to perform, what to desire, and what to be comfortable with. Porn even teaches consumers what to be aroused by and what an orgasm should look and sound like.
Related: Sex Before Kissing: How 15-Year-Old Girls Are Dealing With Porn-Obsessed Boys
Research has pointed out many issues with this, but let’s start with just one.
No two people in this world are alike. Establishing an expectation that your body or your partner’s should perform or respond in a certain way—especially when that way mirrors an exaggerated, scripted production from a porn video—can lead to crippling body shame and criticism of one’s partner.
Porn sets consumers up to fail—to feel terrible about themselves and have unrealistic standards for their partners.
Related: 3 Reasons Why NOT Watching Porn Is Sex-Positive
This is a big reason why a growing number of teen girls endure painful plastic surgeries like labiaplasty in the pursuit of bodily “perfection.” Or why a lot of men and boys are hyper-critical of their genital size and sexual stamina—even though what they see in porn is fake and unattainable in reality.
Fear Fuels The Issue
Generally, people don’t like being spit on, choked, or called derogatory terms during sex. But some respond with pleasure, sometimes because that’s what porn teaches them to do.
Related: Manufactured “Love”: How Today’s Porn Is All About Selling Synthetic Intimacy
For partners who aren’t as into this pornified sexuality, maybe they’re afraid to tell their partners the truth about how their bodies feel, or what they like or don’t like. Maybe they’re afraid of not measuring up. They become so focused on what sex “should” be, and their acts become so prompted by the influence of porn, that they miss out on a genuine, authentic experience.
Judging by the countless messages we’ve received from distraught partners who don’t know what to do when porn becomes a main influence in the bedroom, sex can often become more about recreating the narratives seen in porn than connecting with someone they love.
If our generation is going break this cycle, we have to unlearn the harmful ideals porn teaches about sex and instead embrace real, healthy connections.
Why This Matters
In porn, the outcomes of harmful behaviors look very different than they would in real life. The way partners engage with each other in porn isn’t something anyone should feel pressured to emulate if they’re looking for a healthy, happy relationship.
When it comes to love, seek after what’s real. Create your own story rather than having it written for you. Speak out about the lies porn spreads and stand up for what this world needs more of—genuine love and authentic connections.
