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What I Did When I Found Out My Boyfriend Watches Porn Behind My Back

“When my boyfriend and I were hugging on the couch and I saw his phone, I was extremely distraught to see that one of the internet tabs was labeled ‘interracial gang bang.'”

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

Hey FTND!

I just wanted to contact you and share a pretty awesome story about how your articles and info have helped out recently in my own life.

As some background, I have not had the best dating history. My first ever relationship was with a very abusive boy who I later found out was hooked to porn, and this was where he was getting his ideas. (He was exposed to it by his father at a young age.) I have also had multiple relationships, and a brief engagement, broken off over issues related to excessive porn viewing.

Related:The Science Of Betrayal: The Emotional Trauma Of Having A Porn-Addicted Partner

I found myself compulsively watching for a short time when I was desperate and watching it to try and be what my fiancé wanted. Needless to say, I’m not at all a fan. So when my current boyfriend and I were hugging on the couch and I saw him flip through the tabs on his phone really quick, I was extremely distraught to see that one of them was labeled “interracial gang bang.” This was especially bothersome because we are an interracial couple.

Luckily, I was armed with a lot of the information and advice from your website and decided how I was going to handle this.

It’s possible to be upset AND have a productive, shame-free conversation

Yes, I was upset, but I had to remind myself that I do love him and this one (albeit big) thing did not change that he was the man I fell for, and he isn’t a bad person because he fell weak to this.

I waited until we had a moment alone and were both in good moods, and I asked him, “You’ve told me before that you don’t watch porn, is that true?” He told me it was true but seemed uncomfortable, and so I said, “Not at all?” He answered that he had as a teenager but not anymore.

I think my look said it all as he asked me why I was thinking of it. I told him that I had seen a porn tab when he was switching between them. He told me he didn’t watch anything extreme, and so I told him the title I had seen.

Related: How These Women Supported Their Partners Through Compulsive Porn Habits

The truth came out when he figured out he was caught and he genuinely apologized multiple times for lying. He showed me where it had only been very recently that he had started viewing it and only rarely.

I asked him why he was viewing what he was and he stated he only watched the tamer stuff for pleasure and clicked onto the rest out of a morbid curiosity about what made people sink to that.

This gave me a chance to discuss with him what he was really doing with all of these clicks creating ad revenue for a business that exploits men and women and causes terrible societal effects. He had a few counter-arguments for me, but the facts that I’ve learned through your website rang over any biases he had learned as a teen.

We ended up becoming closer

We have come to an agreement that he isn’t going to indulge, and that if he does, he is to be honest to me about it. He thanked me for being reasonable and understanding, and I told him that I wouldn’t be that way without learning more about the addiction through the information your resources provide.

Related: How To Talk About Porn With Your Partner

We have actually become a lot closer after this because there’s a new trust that we can both work through anything with honesty. Basically, I’m so glad that there is an organization that does the things you do, and honestly, this may have saved a relationship. Thank you!

N.

Conversation Blueprint

Why This Matters

We applaud this Fighter for tackling this awkward issue head-on with love, honesty, and clarity.

It’s not every day that we hear stories like this one with happy endings, and we think her experience raises important points: it’s okay to be upset by a partner’s porn habit, asking the right questions can make a world of difference, and being armed with the facts about porn’s harms is massively important.

Related: How Avoiding Shame Can Help With Healing From Betrayal Trauma

In a committed relationship, having the porn conversation is a must in a society where sexually explicit material has become so accessible, normalized, and mainstream. Be as open and non-judgmental with your partner as possible when talking about porn, and it can set the stage for productive conversations now and in the future where they’re honest with you and you both can work through any issues porn sparks in a relationship.

The difficult truth is that, odds are, they have a past with it to some degree, so do your best to listen first without accusing. And remember that in a world where a porn habit is normal and even expected, not everyone knows or understands how harmful it can be, including your partner.

Solid relationships are built on communication and the ability to talk about things that matter to both parties. When the time is right, talk with your significant other about porn. You’ll be glad you did.

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