Blog

Why I Turned to Rape Porn to Cope With Being Abused, and Why I Regret It

By April 23, 2018 No Comments

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

This woman's personal true story shows that porn normalizes harmful, abusive behavior. Not cool.


My fight with porn started before I really even knew there was a battle. I was about 13 years old when I discovered porn for the first time. Sex is a taboo subject in my culture, and porn is a word that I’d only heard adults use. I’d heard my friends talk about it and I wanted to find out what all the hype was about.

I turned to porn to learn about sex, which was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I started out watching what I deemed as “normal” videos at the time, just men and women having sex. But it wasn’t long before I eventually moved on to hardcore stuff.

Getting hooked on abuse porn

One day I discovered a site that featured rape porn and immediately I was hooked. It was so shocking and it felt wrong, but my curiosity kept drawing me back. Up to that point I could still get some pleasure from watching porn, but this is when I started thinking that maybe porn wasn’t as harmless as I thought.

How could I, a victim of sexual abuse myself when I was 7 years old, be interested in watching those types of things?

Related: Why You Can’t Consistently Fight Sexual Abuse Without Also Fighting Porn

Watching these videos eroded away the meaning of consent for me. The women in the videos always start out saying no, but the guys always seem to convince them into agreeing at the end and then the women act like they enjoy it eventually. After watching this happen enough times, I thought it was normal.

Porn normalized the abuse I faced

Around that same time, an older man that I trusted with my whole being started touching me in ways I knew wasn’t right. Of course I tried to fight him off at first, but he got really aggressive. It was at that point that I thought to myself, What’s the point of spending all this energy fighting him off? What’s the big deal? I’ve been molested before. I also told myself that it’d be different this time, since I wasn’t a child anymore, I’d at least be able to control the situation. If I just let him have what he wants, it wouldn’t be abuse if I was letting it happen.

As I continued to be taken advantage of, I turned to porn to normalize what was happening to me. Every time I would go on the internet I’d search for porn rape scenes to try and convince myself that what was happening was okay. It reinforced in my mind that women were there to be used for sex, and at the end they always seemed to like it anyway.

Related: Studies Show Sexual Aggression Can Be Linked To Watching Porn

Every time I’d quiver with fear when he was near, I just told myself it was normal, that I was just being a little anxious. I convinced myself that because I was not fighting back, I was still in control of the situation, like I had some sort of boundary that he wouldn’t cross. But how could a confused 13-year-old girl control a 30-year-old man?

The loneliest I’ve ever been

I was lost in the dark world of porn for years with no one to turn to. I was being abused but refused to call it what it was at the time. I was ashamed of myself. How could I explain this to anyone without having them judge me? They would look at me differently. Sometimes I would be walking to school or the library and I’d feel like everybody could see how disgusting I was, like they knew my deepest secrets. I had the hardest time socializing and making friends because of this weight I carried.

One day not long ago, I stumbled onto the Fight the New Drug page on Facebook and I just sat there reading every post, every comment, every shared story. I broke down in tears, I cried for what felt like hours, and decided I would try to fight this addiction I had fallen into.

I had failed so many times—I’d stop watching, then start again, then stop again, then discover a different kind of porn, and then get hooked on that instead. It was a long, exhausting fight.

Realizing I’m more than an object

I think when I really made up my mind and decided to quit porn for real was when one night that man started touching me and I told him no. I tried to push him off and he just grinned at me and told me, “You’ve always been a tease, always playing hard to get.” He proceeded to hold my hands together in a tight grip, preventing me from moving, and no matter how much I yelled at him to stop, that he was hurting me, he didn’t listen. I was absolutely terrified, and it was then that I finally realized I was never in control.

The justifications I had used to normalize what was happening to me all came crumbling down when I lost all control. It sunk in that what he was doing to me was never normal. That feeling of disgust didn’t leave me for years. I was disgusted with myself for letting it get that far, I hated myself, I hated the skin I was in. I hated being a girl and I hated any sort of attention from men after that, telling myself they were only interested in using my body.

Related: I Thought Porn Would Help Me Cope With Past Sexual Abuse—I Was Wrong

Back then I thought that sex was all I had to offer. I’m now 19 years old and I’ve learned to move on from what happened to me. I’m not an object that can used for someone’s pleasure. I’m a woman and I have worth. I deserve to love and deserve to be loved. Fight the New Drug has helped me through my whole journey with this addiction to porn and it gave me the strength to finally tell my story.

I still struggle sometimes and that’s okay, because I know I’m getting to where I want to be. I’ve been porn-free for a couple of years now, and although the thoughts of being intimate with a guy sometimes send me into a panic attack, I’ve decided to take it one day at a time.

Porn kills love, but now I’m strong enough to fight for it.

– M.

Why This Matters

recent national survey asked participants what type of images they considered to be “wrong” in porn. Among the 1,188 people surveyed, 46% of those who consume porn replied that images of “sexual acts that may be forced or painful” are not wrong. Yes, you read that correctly: almost half of porn consumers think pain and abuse in pornography are fine. Even further, only 50% of teens and young adults surveyed (ages 13 to 25) think it is wrong to consume these images of violent porn.

The lines are blurring between what’s sexy and what’s harmful in today’s porn. And this is clearly having negative effects on consent and what people view as healthy sexuality. Studies show that the more someone watches porn, over time and frequent use, the more they’re likely to gravitate towards hardcore genres to achieve the same levels of excitement. These effects on the brain are what cause so many porn consumers to think that violent porn is okay—their brains have been changed by the porn itself to find pain arousing to watch.

This has massively negative implications on our society, and we’re seeing the effects firsthand. This is what happens when we become complacent to the abuse and exploitation of people for entertainment and arousal. Our hearts go out to this Fighter as she navigates healing from sexual abuse in a world that consumes porn where “no” means “try harder.” We know her story is just one of the countless people who feel the same.

This is why we fight to raise awareness that porn is anything but harmless entertainment.

13710458_10154620294881756_4480932506009740858_o

Get Involved

Show support for this brave woman’s story. SHARE this article to raise awareness on the harmful effects of pornography and its inseparable links to sexual abuse and exploitation.

Spark Conversations

This movement is all about changing the conversation about pornography and stopping the demand for sexual exploitation. When you rep a tee, you can spark meaningful conversation on porn’s harms and inspire lasting change in individuals’ lives, and our world. Are you in? Check out all our styles in our online store, or click below to shop:

Send this to a friend

Like all websites, we use cookies. By continuing on this site, you agree to our use of cookies. More

The cookie settings on this website are set to "allow cookies" to give you the best browsing experience possible. If you continue to use this website without changing your cookie settings or you click "Accept" below then you are consenting to this.

Close