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Porn Fueled Violence and Control in My Relationship—Here’s How It Finally Ended

By October 14, 2019 No Comments

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

This woman's story shows how porn can drive a wedge between partners and push their physical interactions to be more about performance than connection. While porn will not turn every consumer into an abuser, the connection between violence and porn cannot be ignored.

If you are in a domestically violent situation, don’t wait to get help. The Domestic Violence Hotline advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential. Visit TheHotline.com for more information.

I just wanted to thank you so much for everything you’re doing. So many people don’t know the harmful effects porn can have on consumers and their loved ones.

I was first exposed to porn at age 15 by my first boyfriend, and I had no idea the impact it would have on my life for the next six years. I didn’t really know what it was at the time, but he told me that he watched it several times a day and that he often thought about the girls he saw in it.

RelatedHow To Tell If Your Partner Is Struggling With Porn & What To Do If They Are

Later on in the relationship, he started asking me to do extremely graphic things on camera and over the phone with him, and if I wouldn’t, he would watch porn and then tell me about it and apologize for watching it. It became his way of punishing me—if I didn’t do what he wanted, he watched other girls. If I did, he’d watch me. I longed for him to want me, and if I said no to him he’d either watch porn, keep asking until I gave in, or harm himself, so eventually, I started to do what he asked.

Normalizing Abuse Isnt Normal

Toward the end of the relationship, when his obsession with porn seemed to be at an all-time high, he began to get more and more controlling and sexually assaulted me once and attempted to sexually assault me several other times.

Related: What My Boyfriend’s Porn Obsession Had To Do With Him Abusing Me

He finally left me when I began developing PTSD from the assault and he said he couldn’t handle it. I was devastated and didn’t know where I could turn, so I turned to porn. Watching violent porn comforted me and helped me cope for whatever reason, and I ended up watching it several times a week for several years.

I felt empty, alone, and depressed but didn’t know why.

I tried confiding in others to see if anyone else felt as empty as I did after watching porn, but the people I talked to told me that porn was no big deal and that I was silly for letting it upset me. I didn’t know anyone else that felt the same way as I did, and I thought I was crazy until I found FTND. It’s honestly so overwhelming and encouraging to know that I’m not alone in the hurt and struggle, and I can never thank you enough for the encouragement I’ve found in the stories you’ve shared.

Keep on fighting!

P.

Be A Lover And A Fighter - Retro

Not an isolated issue

A few years ago, a team of researchers looked at 50 of the most popular porn films—the ones purchased and rented most often. Of the 304 scenes the movies contained, 88% contained physical violence and 49% contained verbal aggression. On average, only one scene in 10 didn’t contain any aggression, and the typical scene averaged 12 physical or verbal attacks. One particularly disturbing scene managed to fit in 128.

RelatedData Shows Australian Domestic Violence Crisis Is Being Fueled By Pornography

But that’s not the only way porn is connected to violence. An analysis of 33 different studies found that exposure to non-violent porn measurably increased aggressive behavior, and that viewing violent porn increased even further. These effects include having violent sexual fantasies which can lead to actually committing violent assaults. Not surprisingly, the more violent the porn, the more likely the consumer is to support and act out in violence.

Of course, not every porn consumer is automatically going to turn into an abuser, while that doesn’t mean pornography consumption isn’t still associated with a wave of violence on a massive scale.

Related: “Why Was The Rape Victim So Upset?”—Why Teen Boys Need Better Consent Education

The vast majority of the porn viewed by millions of people every day is teaching that humiliation and violence are a normal part of what sex is supposed to be—and that education is changing what happens in bedrooms around the world. It’s making it more challenging for many consumers to feel aroused unless they can do the things they’ve seen in porn, and it’s leaving their partners feeling like they have to play along. The more porn teaches us that aggression is a part of sex and relationships, the more that violence is being made invisible.

We fight because we can’t ignore what research is telling us about how porn is harming relationships and fueling domestic violence. Join us in speaking out about the real harms of porn and fighting for real love.

If you are in a domestically violent situation, don’t wait. Get help. The Domestic Violence Hotline advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential. Visit TheHotline.com for more information.

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