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I Imitated Porn for the Guys I Dated—I Didn’t Realize It Would Affect Me Like This

By December 16, 2019 No Comments
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Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

Growing up, I was taught to save sex for marriage, have integrity with what you watch online, and always respect yourself and your body. Because of my upbringing, I had dreams of romance and bliss when it came to a relationship. I always thought relationships would be something from a fairytale. I had such a pure view of love and an idea that relationships were something magical.

Then my teen years hit. I met a guy at work who was a smooth talker and was quick to sweep me off my feet. Right away, he had me doing things like sneaking out of my house at night and smoking cigarettes. We continued to date for three months, and then decided to move in together.

After one week of living together, he convinced me to have sex with him, the one thing I had always taken a strong stance against. After just one week of having sex and two weeks of living together, he told me a secret. He told me how he would steal his mother’s porn DVDs and watch them. He then asked if I wanted to watch them and experiment with what was being shown. Never having seen porn in my life, and I instantly felt very uncomfortable. But my desire to please him was even greater. So we watched porn together and I instantly learned what he wanted from me sexually.

Related: The Day I Realized My Porn Obsessed Partner Wasn’t Attracted To Me Anymore

What he wanted was a nightmare compared to my dreams I had always had of relationships and intimacy. But, because I was under the illusion of being in love, I allowed him to use me to re-enact his porn fantasies.

Truth About Porn

I quickly became obsessed with pleasing him. I would watch all the porn he watched and study it like a textbook. I used it to teach me things. I wanted to become a woman that could master all the different things in porn so that he would always find me attractive. I learned to talk dirty to him, while most of his dirty talk consisted of derogatory names such as “slut,” “whore,” and “b—.” To me, the dirty talk was all lies that I made up because I knew it was what he wanted to hear, but what happened because of it took a deep emotional toll on me. I quickly found that I started feeling like I was all those words and that I was just a real-life sex toy for him. There were even times where the porn had such a hold on our life together that I would watch it alone just to feel comfortable in our relationship.

Over time I became depressed and unhappy. I realized I had completely changed myself just to please him and that the downward spiral all started with porn. We ended up breaking up, but the effects porn had on me lasted for a while after.

Related: 3 Things Porn Never Shows About Sex And Relationships

I took what he liked from porn and just used it to please other guys I dated. These other guys then taught me new things that they saw in porn that I carried on to others and so on and so on. I realized I may have never had a career as a porn star, but looking back, I feel like I was doing all the same work as them, just for free. The worst part was that every single guy still chose the computer over me.

Now, years later, I am finally fighting the fight. I’m focused on breaking all the porn struggles in my life. I am focused on getting my dreams of a romantic relationship back, and getting rid of the “50 Shades of Grey“-type relationships I had. I am now focused on finding love, rather than finding out how to please a man so he would love me.

Ultimately, I am focused on setting a positive example of what love is for my children.

– L.

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Why This Matters

The story above is just one of thousands of personal stories we receive from people all over the world who have had their lives negatively affected by pornography.

Facts are facts: porn is harmful to relationships. Countless studies have been done, showing the correlation between porn use and decreased satisfaction in yourself, your partner, and your relationship as a whole. It’s sad, but it’s true. Research has found that after men are exposed to pornography, they rate themselves as less in love with their partner than men who didn’t see any porn. On top of that, another study found that after being exposed to pornographic images, people were more critical of their partner’s appearance, sexual curiosity, sexual performance, and displays of affection.

Any relationship is threatened when porn is brought into it. We don’t say porn kills love just for the fun of it—it’s a slogan that summarizes how porn can affect individuals, relationships, and society.

Porn creates the illusion that there is always someone sexier out there and sexuality needs to look and sound and feel a certain way to be truly fulfilling. Not true. Healthy people expect their intimate relationships to be built on trust, respect, honesty, and love. Porn promotes the opposite, and worse.

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