Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

This story was sent in recently by a Fighter who has recently found freedom from a crippling porn obsession. His experience shows how valuable it is to realize all the things that hold us back from thriving in real relationships and real love. Freedom is possible, and there is hope.


Every addict has their rock bottom….I found mine.

Two springs ago, the beginning of the outdoor track season (that is how I track time), I was hiding. Not figuratively, not emotionally, but literally hiding. I had just been busted for a porn addiction that led to an affair. My world had been blown up. My fake reputation was torn apart. I was a man I never thought I would be, and I could not face it. My phone buzzed. My wife had texted, “Get home your kids are a mess.”

As I walked into my parent’s house in complete shame, I looked at my oldest son, he was only 2. He said to me, “Daddy, what’s going on?” with absolute terror on his face. I was immediately reminded of the promise I made him when he was born, I would fight for him till he was old enough to fight for himself. I realized I had to fight for myself first, and everything had to change or I would lose him and my family.

Self-Protection and Self-Destruction

Seventeen years prior, I had made a decision that I thought would protect myself. Through a series of events like getting beat up by my cousin, and getting a knife pulled on me, I decided that I would never be the weakest person in a room again. This decision immediately put up “walls” to keep everyone out. I was alone and angry and eventually just empty. My medication for these negative emotions were sports and porn. The physical pain of sports allowed me to release some of my anger, and the porn numbed the rest of my emotions.

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Eleven years into my addiction, I got married. I had numbed every emotion with porn for so long that I could not connect with my wife. Fighting seemed to be the norm. In my mind, I was not responsible because I was not saying anything. And it turns out that was exactly the problem. My wife would bring up something, I would shut down. She would yell. I would stare at the wall. She was screaming, “Just say something!” Inside I as pleading with myself, “Just say something, anything! Let her know you have a pulse.” But, NOTHING. I was so numb I could literally do nothing. I would stare at the wall and hope it would be over soon so I could “medicate” with porn.

The stresses of being a father, a failing marriage, depression, loneliness, anger, running a business, and trying to chase a dream of becoming a college coach started to make porn ineffective to numb myself. I needed to go bigger to get the same effect. So, I started a relationship not caring about the consequences just to continue to “medicate” away the pain. A few months after the relationship went physical, I was busted by my phone bill.

Learning to Feel

I knew I had to really change and go above and beyond to show that porn was not going to control me anymore. I had to start communicating emotionally with my wife. Talking is not a strength of mine, so I took to writing her letters every night. I wrote over 40 letters trying to convey my thoughts and emotions. The goal was to be able to emotionally connect with my wife.

Related: I Quit Watching Porn And Here’s Why I’m Never Going Back

In another attempt to save our marriage, my wife and I attended a National Institute of Marriage Four day intensive. During this “group therapy” session, I was able to find my heart, weep through my pain and forgive myself. At the end of the week, I was able to get on my knees, look my wife in the eyes and ask her forgiveness. We had the tools needed to work on our marriage. And I could actually feel again.

Finding Freedom

When we returned home, I applied to and landed a job coaching in Indiana. We packed up our two boys and our lives and moved 800 miles west. And my wife was seven months pregnant. We needed the fresh start.

We landed in Muncie, IN. We joined a community there, and I attended their recovery program. Through the Step Study of the program, I put together a tooldbox that I could use to really find freedom from my addiction.

Related3 Real Guys Explain How Giving Up Porn Changed Their Lives

Last week, I celebrated my 500th day free from porn. Even though I have been in recovery for two years, it took most of the first year of working through my baggage and getting the tools I will need to find freedom.

As I finish this blog, I look up to see my three kids laughing and playing with the dog in the living room. I am overcome with thankfulness that my wife, family and I did not give up. I can tell by the look in their eyes and the happiness on their faces that it is all going to be ok.

T.

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with an obsession or addiction to pornography, you are not alone. Check out our friends at Fortify, a recovery-focused platform that will allow you take a step toward freedom. Anyone 17 years and younger can apply for a free scholarship to the site, and it's an inexpensive fee for anyone 18 and older. There is hope—sign up today to get the help you need and join with an encouraging community.

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Share this brave Fighter’s story, and raise awareness that porn is not a part of a healthy lifestyle.

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