Despite the incredible complexity of the human brain, at least one thing is clear—as human beings, we are hardwired for connection.
While the importance of love and connection has been a popular topic among philosophers for thousands of years, modern neuroscience confirms that we are neurobiologically wired to develop meaningful relationships with other humans. As world-renowned researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown has stated, “We are psychologically, emotionally, [and] cognitively… hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging… is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”Brown, B. (2012). Understanding and combating shame. Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead (pp. 68) Avery.Copy
To some extent, we all share the desire to love and be loved in healthy relationships. So, how does porn fit in with our biological instinct to connect with others? The truth is—not so well.
The impact of porn on relationships
To start, dozens of studies have repeatedly shown that porn consumers tend to have lower relationship satisfaction and lower relationship quality.Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., Kraus, A., & Klann, E. (2017). Pornography consumption and satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Human Communication Research, 43(3), 315-343. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12108Copy Perry S. L. (2020). Pornography and Relationship Quality: Establishing the Dominant Pattern by Examining Pornography Use and 31 Measures of Relationship Quality in 30 National Surveys. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(4), 1199–1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7Copy Perry, S. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508-016-0770-YCopy
Porn consumers tend to experience more negative communication with their partners. They also feel less dedicated to their relationships. They have a more difficult time making adjustments in their relationships. Additionally, they report lower sexual satisfaction and commit more infidelity.Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing sexually-explicit materials alone or together: associations with relationship quality. Archives of sexual behavior, 40(2), 441–448. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4Copy Research also shows that porn consumers tend to become less committed to their partners,Minarcik, J., Wetterneck, C. T., & Short, M. B. (2016). The Effects Of Sexually Explicit Material Use On Romantic Relationship Dynamics. Journal Of Behavioral Addictions, 5(4) 700-707. Doi: 10.1556/2006.5.2016.078Copy Lambert, N. M., Negash, S., Stillman, T. F., Olmstead, S. B., & Fincham, F. D. (2012). A love that doesn't last: Pornography consumption and weakened commitment to one's romantic partner. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 31(4), 410-438. doi:10.1521/jscp.2012.31.4.410Copy less satisfied in their relationships,Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., Kraus, A., & Klann, E. (2017). Pornography consumption and satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Human Communication Research, 43(3), 315-343. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12108Copy and more accepting of cheating.Rasmussen, K. (2016). A Historical and Empirical Review of Pornography and Romantic Relationships: Implications for Family Researchers. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 8(2), 173-191. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12141Copy
Meanwhile, partners of porn consumers also report negative effects, such as lower self-esteem, worse relationship quality, and less sexual satisfaction.Stewart, D. N., & Szymanski, D. M. (2012). Young adult women’s reports of their male romantic partner’s pornography use as a correlate of their self-esteem, relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, 67(5-6), 257-271. doi:10.1007/s11199-012-0164-0Copy Research also suggests that porn consumption can undermine trust in a relationship and fuel couple conflict.Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in men's and women's pornography patterns in couple relationships.16(2), 146-163. doi:10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796Copy Obviously, relationship problems like these are not new and are not solely caused by porn. Yet, research shows that porn can play a substantial role in fueling these issues—and that’s not something that should be ignored.Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone Or Together: Associations With Relationship Quality. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. Doi:10.1007/S10508-009-9585-4Copy Perry S. L. (2020). Pornography and Relationship Quality: Establishing the Dominant Pattern by Examining Pornography Use and 31 Measures of Relationship Quality in 30 National Surveys. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(4), 1199–1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7Copy Rasmussen, K. (2016). A historical and empirical review of pornography and romantic relationships: Implications for family researchers. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 8(2), 173-191. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12141Copy
With less trust, poorer communication, and less relationship satisfaction—all of which are important pillars of healthy relationships—it becomes clear why many porn consumers tend to struggle in their relationships.
In fact, research also shows that porn can negatively impact whether or not couples stay together. Reports consistently show that porn consumers are twice as likely to experience divorce or breakup. This finding holds true even after controlling for marital happiness, sexual satisfaction, and other relevant factors.Perry, S. L. (2018). Pornography use and marital separation: Evidence from two-wave panel data. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(6), 1869-1880. doi:10.1007/s10508-017-1080-8Copy Perry, S. L., & Davis, J. T. (2017). Are pornography users more likely to experience a romantic breakup? Evidence from longitudinal data. Sexuality & Culture, 21(4), 1157-1176. doi:10.1007/s12119-017-9444-8Copy Perry, S. L., & Schleifer, C. (2018). Till porn do us part? A longitudinal examination of pornography use and divorce. 55(3), 284-296. doi:10.1080/00224499.2017.1317709Copy
One study tracked couples over a six-year period. The goal was to see what factors influenced their marriage quality and satisfaction with their sex lives. The researchers found that of all the factors considered, porn consumption was the second strongest indicator that a marriage would suffer.Perry, S. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508-016-0770-YCopy Not only that, but the marriages that were harmed the most were those of individuals who viewed porn the most.Perry, S. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508-016-0770-YCopy
Another study found that individuals who watched porn alone reported higher rates of cheating on their partners. They were twice as likely to cheat compared to couples who didn’t watch porn at all. And interestingly enough, individuals who viewed porn alone and with their partners reported three times the rate of cheating.Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone Or Together: Associations With Relationship Quality. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. Doi:10.1007/S10508-009-9585-4Copy
Ultimately, research showed that people who never viewed pornography had higher relationship quality. This was true on every measure. In contrast, those who viewed pornography alone reported lower relationship quality.Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone Or Together: Associations With Relationship Quality. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. Doi:10.1007/S10508-009-9585-4Copy
Counterfeit intimacy
The reality is most young people are getting at least some of their education about sex from porn.Rothman, E. F., Kaczmarsky, C., Burke, N., Jansen, E., & Baughman, A. (2015). 'Without Porn … I Wouldn't Know Half the Things I Know Now': A Qualitative Study of Pornography Use Among a Sample of Urban, Low-Income, Black and Hispanic Youth. Journal of sex research, 52(7), 736–746. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2014.960908Copy
That can become incredibly problematic in sexual relationships, given that porn can warp expectations about sex, bodies, and relationships.Koletić G. (2017). Longitudinal associations between the use of sexually explicit material and adolescents' attitudes and behaviors: A narrative review of studies. Journal of adolescence, 57, 119–133. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2017.04.006Copy Tylka, T. L. (2015). No harm in looking, right? Men’s pornography consumption, body image, and well-being. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 16(1), 97-107. doi:10.1037/a0035774Copy In fact, one survey found that 53% of boys and 39% of girls reported believing that pornography was a realistic depiction of sex, and 44% of boys who consumed porn reported that it gave them ideas about the type of sex they wanted to try.Martellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J.R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M.A.H. (2016). 'I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it'. London: NSPCC. Retrieved from https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/2016/i-wasn-t-sure-it-was-normal-to-watch-itCopy That’s especially concerning, considering that porn is wildly unrealistic and often promotes toxic tropes, including rape, incest, sexual violence, sexism, racism, etc.
In porn, it’s all about the viewer. In porn, finding a “partner” is effortless. The performers are seemingly always ready, willing, and longing for your attention. This partner has nothing to do with their time but wait for you. They’re young, attractive, sexually adventurous, and anxious to please. This partner will never age, never get bored or annoyed, never have an “off” day, or need a listening ear. And if this porn partner ever fails to keep you entertained, they can be exchanged with a single click.
The problem is that internet pornography has a number of unique properties that make it very different from real-life relationships with real-life people. Features of porn such as limitless novelty, on-demand accessibility, and easy escalation to more extreme material can condition someone’s expectations for sex to aspects of pornography consumption that do not readily translate to real-life partners. As this happens, real-life sex may not register as meeting expectations for a regular porn consumer, and arousal and satisfaction can decline.Park, B. Y., Wilson, G., Berger, J., Christman, M., Reina, B., Bishop, F., Klam, W. P., & Doan, A. P. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports. Behavioral sciences (Basel, Switzerland), 6(3), 17. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs6030017Copy
Pornography concealment
Another key way porn can harm couple relationships is that many consumers conceal from their partner how much and what types of porn they are viewing. According to a 2017 study, the number of women who reported that their male partner didn’t watch porn was significantly higher than the number of men who reported no porn consumption.Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in men's and women's pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146–163. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796Copy
The study used a large national sample. It found that only 4% of women casually dating reported regular porn consumption by their partners. In reality, 50% of the men in casual relationships reported that they regularly consumed porn. None of the casually dating women reported that their partner consumed pornography daily or every other day. However, 43% of casually dating men reported this level of heavy porn consumption. In more committed relationships, only 46% of women accurately reported how much their partner consumed porn, with nearly 40% of men reporting more consumption than they believed was occurring.Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in men's and women's pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146–163. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796Copy
Relationship experts have long recognized that relationships last when partners develop secure attachments. Each partner should trust that the other will be responsive to their physical and emotional needs. It’s understandable that behaviors disrupting trust can have a negative impact. Such behaviors affect couples communication, intimacy, and satisfaction. Scholars and therapists have noted that partner differences in pornography consumption can influence their sense of trustworthiness. Concealment of pornography may also affect the partners’ sense of security in the relationship.Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in men's and women's pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146–163. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796Copy
When someone hides their porn habit from their partners, it can not only hurt their relationship but can also leave the consumer feeling lonely and more vulnerable to depression, poor self-esteem, and anxiety. Plus, when romantic partners keep secrets from each other, their trust erodes. Their confidence in the relationship also decreases.
Which came first?
But is this just a “chicken and egg” scenario? Is porn really damaging to relationships, or do people turn to porn because they’re in relationships that are already suffering?
Probably both, according to Dr. Samuel Perry, a sociologist at the University of Oklahoma who’s been studying porn’s effects on relationships for years. Dr. Perry also explains, however, that “the few studies we do have that use experimental or longitudinal data find that there does seem to be a directional ‘effect’ of pornography use on relationship outcomes, particularly for men.”ElHage, A. (2017). Pornography use and relationship quality: An interview with samuel perry (part 1). Retrieved from https://ifstudies.org/blog/pornography-use-and-relationship-quality-an-interview-with-samuel-perry-part-1Copy
That means these findings aren’t just correlational—they’re showing that pornography can directly affect relationships in negative ways.
Whether porn is the original culprit of a couple’s relationship problems or whether it becomes a coping mechanism for existing problems, many couples find themselves caught in an unhealthy cycle of porn and relationship issues, each fueling the other.
A growing concern
As we’ve discussed, research suggests that there are a number of ways that porn can negatively impact romantic relationships. As evidence of porn’s harms grows, many therapists and relationship experts are expressing concerns about its impact on relationships.
In fact, world-renowned relationship experts, Doctors John and Julie Gottman, wrote an open letter through the Gottman Institute to express their concerns. Here’s some of what they had to say:
“Research on the effects of pornography use, especially one person frequently viewing pornographic images online, shows that pornography can hurt a couple’s relationship…
… There are many other factors about porn use that can threaten a relationship’s intimacy. First, intimacy for couples is a source of connection and communication between two people. But when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to porn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction. Second, when watching pornography, the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner…
… Worse still, many porn sites include violence toward women, the antithesis of intimate connection…. Pornography can also lead to a decrease in relationship trust and a higher likelihood of affairs outside the relationship. Many porn sites now offer an escalation of sexual activity beyond simply viewing porn, which includes actually having sex with other individuals.
… In summary, we are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony. This moment calls for public discussion, and we want our readers worldwide to understand what is at stake.”
-Drs. John and Julie Gottman, The Gottman Institute, April 5, 2016Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (April 5, 2016). An open letter on porn. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-open-letter-on-porn/Copy
The research is clear—porn is not a harmless pastime, especially when it’s hurting a romantic partner. However, the research is also clear that shame is not an effective way to motivate someone to change.Brown, B. (2012). Understanding and combating shame. Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.Copy According to one study of individuals trying to quit porn, researchers found that shame actually predicted increased pornography consumption while guilt predicted sustainable change.Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. 18(1), 12-29. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.551182Copy
So if you’re trying to give up porn, be kind to yourself and be patient with your progress. Recovery takes time, but daily efforts significantly improve brain health in the long run
On the surface, porn may seem harmless or may even seem like a good way to learn more about sex. Maybe a committed relationship seems far away in the future, or you feel confident that a bit of porn won’t harm your relationships. But the research is clear—porn can have devastating impacts on relationships, both sexually and emotionally.
There is no substitute for real connection, and porn isn’t worth risking that.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
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