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Why We Both Chose to Work Through Issues Porn Fueled in Our Relationship

By November 26, 2019 No Comments
Cover photo by Brooke Cagle. 3 minute read.

Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.

Sometimes, a struggle with porn outlasts a relationship. But sometimes, like in this relationship, it doesn't. For many couples, there is hope of overcoming porn if you're both committed to fighting.

Hi FTND,

My experience is so similar to the many stories that thousands of women have shared. I not only developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I also seemed to have lost hope in love because of my husband’s porn struggle.

My concept of men has changed after discovering his porn habit, even though I know this is completely unfair because not all men think that pornography is okay. Truthfully, I am so glad to hear stories of hope through your organization. I think I can finally find the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been almost 5 months since my life was torn to shreds, and I honestly have learned so much from this community of people also struggling.

Related: True Story – My Husband Overcame His 10 Year Porn Addiction

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In the last few months, I have been able to understand my partner and have been able to reach out to him, I also have been able to discover that it is not me who has to change her appearance nor to change the way I am intimate with him. I have always given him love, and that’s all I have to give.

Related: A Female Perspective – The Emotional Betrayal of Having a Porn-Addicted Partner

Now that we both have come to the strong realization that pornography is a problem, we have been able to reach a whole different level in our relationship. It is still something very painful that we’re working through. I’ll admit that some days it’s a struggle to look my husband in the eyes. But I know one thingI love him, I love him deeply and I won’t allow porn to destroy the life and all the wonderful memories that I have built with the man that gave me a wonderful child.

I am sure of this, and I trust that love is strong and can overcome all this.

E.

Be A Lover And A Fighter - Retro

Why This Matters

Not every couple will choose to recover from the harms porn fuels in a relationship, but some do seek healing and reconciliation. Porn can be hurtful to a couple’s connection, but mutual love and understanding can work through some of the most difficult situations.

Research has shown that porn consumers can be less committed to their partners, [1] less satisfied in their relationships, [2] and more cynical about love and relationships in general. [3] They also can have poorer communication with their partners and are more likely to agree that, in their own relationships, “little arguments escalate into ugly fights with accusations, criticisms, name-calling, and bringing up past hurts.” [4]

Even when it’s difficult, real love is worth fighting for when both partners are committed to overcoming the obstacles porn puts in the relationship. When dealing with a partner who struggles with porn and feeling the betrayal that comes from that, the fight can be really difficult, but it can also absolutely be worth it if both partners are invested in overcoming the odds and working together.

We respect this Fighter’s decision to stay and fight for her relationship. Sometimes the decision to leave and start over may be healthier for everyone involved, but this couple in the story above is choosing to fight. The pull of porn can be overwhelmingly strong to someone who is struggling, but in the end, real love can be stronger.

Click here for partner tips of how to support yourself and your partner through a compulsive porn problem. There is hope for you, and them.

Conversation Blueprint

Get Help – For Partners

If your partner is struggling with porn, you are not alone—know that there is hope, and there is help. As you navigate this difficult situation, there are supportive communities and resources available to you. Below, we’ve got a non-exhaustive list of several resources for those experiencing betrayal trauma. Because this isn’t a complete resource list, feel free to look for more betrayal trauma resources that are catered to your specific needs and/or location. Note that while both men and women can experience betrayal trauma, some of the resources are gender-specific. Please also note that while some of the resources below are religiously affiliated, Fight the New Drug is not.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Recover

Bloom

Addo Recovery

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out our friends at Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your compulsive behavior, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.

Citations

[1] Minarcik, J., Wetterneck, C. T., & Short, M. B. (2016). The Effects Of Sexually Explicit Material Use On Romantic Relationship Dynamics. Journal Of Behavioral Addictions, 5(4) 700-707. Doi: 10.1556/2006.5.2016.078; Perry, S. (2016). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508-016-0770-Y; Sun, C., Bridges, A., Johnason, J., Ezzell, M. (2014). Pornography And The Male Sexual Script: An Analysis Of Consumption And Sexual Relations. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 45, 1-12. Doi:10.1007/S10508-014-0391-2; Poulsen, F. O., Busby, D. M., & Galovan, A. M. (2013). Pornography Use: Who Uses It And How It Is Associated With Couple Outcomes. Journal Of Sex Research 50(1), 72-83. Doi:10.1080/00224499.2011.648027; Stewart, D. N., & Szymanski, D. M. (2012). Young Adult Women’s Reports Of Their Male Romantic Partner’s Pornography Use As A Correlate Of Their Self-Esteem, Relationship Quality, And Sexual Satisfaction. Sex Roles, 67(5-6), 257-274. Retrieved From Https://Yourbrainonporn.Com/Young-Adult-Women%E2%80%99s-Reports-Their-Male-Romantic-Partner%E2%80%99s-Pornography-Use-Correlate-Their-Self.
[2] Park, B. Y., Et Al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysunction? A Review With Clinical Reports, Behavioral Sciences, 6, 17. Doi:10.3390/Bs6030017; Perry, S. (2016). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508-016-0770-Y; Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone Or Together: Associations With Relationship Quality. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. Doi:10.1007/S10508-009-9585-4; Morgan, E. M. (2011). Associations Between Young Adults’ Use Of Sexually Explicit Materials And Their Sexual Preferences, Behaviors, And Satisfaction. Journal Of Sex Research, 48,(6), 520-530. 8(6):520-30. Doi:10.1080/00224499.2010.543960; Zillman, D., & Bryant, J. (2006). Pornography’s Impact On Sexual Satisfaction. Journal Of Applied Social Psychology, 18(5), 438-453. Doi:10.1111/J.1559-1816.1988.Tb00027.X
[3] Zillman, D., & Bryant, J. (2000). Influence Of Unrestrained Access To Erotica On Adolescents’ And Young Adults’ Disposition Toward Sexuality. Journal Of Adolescent Health, 27(2 Suppl), 41-44. Doi:10.1016/S1054-139X(00)00137-3
[4] Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone Or Together: Associations With Relationship Quality. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. Doi:10.1007/S10508-009-9585-4

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