How you start this conversation will set the tone for how this, and many future conversations about porn with your children, will go. Keep that in mind as you think about what you want to accomplish with this first discussion.

Before you educate your child on the harms of porn, it is important to make yourself aware of the science behind how porn impacts individuals, relationships, and society, so that you are prepared to help educate your child and answer questions they may have. You can get the facts on the Fight the New Drug website, where we have many videos and articles about the harms of porn. You can also utilize our documentary series Brain, Heart, World.

At what age should you talk to your child about porn? Every family and situation is unique, but the short answer is earlier than you think. It’s estimated that 94% of kids have seen pornography by age 14. Understand that the age at which it’s appropriate to talk to your child varies depending on your family’s values, specific cultural circumstances, societal influences, media exposure, and individual curiosities. However, children are being exposed to pornography at increasingly younger ages. In fact, the average age of first exposure is between 8 and 11 years old. You may need to start talking about it sooner than you had originally planned. If your child is older, the time may be now. Don’t worry! There are always age-appropriate ways to discuss this with your child. And there are always resources available to you to help you navigate this discussion.

When you plan to have this important conversation, set time aside so you won’t feel rushed or interrupted if you have plans immediately afterward. This could be during one-on-one time with your child, a car ride, or talk before they go to bed. Have the conversation in a location that is comfortable for both you and your child. Sometimes choosing a more private location for this conversation can be helpful in allowing your child the freedom to ask questions and express themselves openly without fear of being overheard.

Ultimately, the goal in having this conversation with your child is to help them understand the harmful effects of porn, while also creating a safe space for them to open up to you, now or in the future. You want them to ask you about porn, rather than searching for it online, so ensuring that they understand they can open up to you is key. Try to make it a point to be patient and understanding, no matter what questions your child has, or what experiences they have had with porn.

Sometimes, having a separate conversation with each individual child can be the most productive, if you have the option to talk to multiple children. This allows you to cater the discussion to each child’s particular age and situation, and use language that’s appropriate for their level of understanding. It also allows children to open up to you without fear of embarrassment if they disclose any past experiences with being exposed to or seeking out porn.

Covering every aspect of this subject in one conversation is not necessarily realistic or effective. Your first conversation with your child should ideally lay the foundation for an ongoing dialogue. It’s important to communicate this to them, too, that this isn’t a one-time talk. Over time, continue to increase their knowledge regarding the harmful effects of porn by having candid, age-appropriate conversations. The more you know about the harmful effects of pornography, the more you’ll be able to add to conversations in the future.

Using filtration software can be helpful, but keep in mind that filters alone likely won’t prevent your child from seeing pornography. Combine your family’s plan regarding porn with the power of scientific evidence, including concrete evidence of pornography’s harmful effects will help your child fully understand the consequences of viewing pornography. Think about how we educate our kids on the harmful effects of drugs. We talk about our individual family values while also discussing the harmful physical effects of drugs, such as rotting teeth, lung cancer, overdose, addiction, and sometimes death. And remember, there are always resources available to you to help you navigate this discussion.

You likely know better than anyone that your child can respond to this conversation in any number of ways. Kids often need some time to process what you have told them, but if they have questions or concerns, you want them to know they can express them. Your child may respond with disgust, defensiveness, or silence. Any of these responses could mean that they are currently dealing with a pornography problem, that they feel accused of something they are not guilty of, or that they simply feel awkward—and it could also mean they don’t struggle with porn at all and are just embarrassed to be having this conversation with you. No matter how your child reacts, try to stay calm and make sure they know why you are talking to them about this. Where appropriate, humor and laughter can be disarming and instigate a bonding moment between you. It’s important for your children, especially if they might be struggling with porn, to know that you’re not bringing this up to accuse, punish, or judge them. Reminding them that this is a safe conversation and you’ll love them no matter what is key in starting an ongoing conversation about the harms of porn with your child.

If your child discloses that they have struggled with pornography, it’s important that you respond to them with support and love, rather than anger or punishment. They need to know that you’re on their side and are willing to be there for them, whether that be as they fight a struggle with porn, or just educate themselves on its harms. Whether your child is struggling with porn or not, they need you to help guide them through navigating the role porn is playing for this rising generation. If you want more tips on how to respond if your child does disclose a struggle with porn, you can find them here.

Too often we hear parents say things like, “MY kid would never look for porn!” Statistically speaking, however, that’s very unlikely. It’s estimated that 94% of kids have seen pornography by age 14. And unfortunately, once they’ve been exposed, many keep going back. Unfortunately, even the most well-behaved, innocent, and sheltered kids see it. It’s no longer a question of if your child will be exposed to pornographic material online, but when. Let this fact empower you to action, instead of paralyze you with fear.

If your child discloses that they’ve seen pornography, or are struggling with a compulsive habit, it’s important to remember that they aren’t necessarily addicted. You may not even really think about it, but according to research, casually throwing out the word “addict” or “addiction” around someone who is seriously struggling with compulsive behaviors is not helpful and can discourage progress. Dramatic reactions rarely help a person struggling with porn, and using the word “addiction” is often an overreaction. While porn addiction is certainly real, calling someone an addict immediately can make them feel powerless in changing their habits. Remember, if your child is struggling, try to make space to allow the individual who is struggling to define their own problem with whatever language most resonates with them: “habit,” “compulsion,” “problem,” “struggle,” “challenge,” “addiction”—or any other term they can relate to.

It can be easy, when feelings of hurt or disappointment come up to intentionally or unintentionally shame the person who’s causing those feelings. What does shaming look like, you may be asking? It’s like humiliating someone to make them feel like a “bad” person or unworthy of love because of something they’ve done. It’s important to keep in mind that shaming someone who is struggling with porn usually does not help, and does not push them toward healthy change and motivated recovery. In fact, research shows that shame only makes things worse. Shaming can wound family relationships and discourage progress in recovery. as well as break trust and honesty in the parent-child relationship. Try to separate the person from the behavior. Keep in mind that, many times, most porn consumers may not have chosen to see porn the first time. They may have seen it by accident, or been forced. They may have been so young that they didn’t understand, but it sparked a struggle all the same. All in all, avoiding shame will likely lead to a better outcome for all parties.

You may still be reeling if you end up learning your child has a struggle with porn, but hear this: if your child is struggling, it is not necessarily a reflection of you or your ability to be a quality and attentive parent. The fact of the matter is that porn is an unfortunately common issue for children and teens in today’s world. So take a deep breath, don’t beat yourself up, and remind yourself that this is not your fault. In the end, your child is responsible for their own fight, while they will need your support. And while you can support and facilitate them in their recovery, they do have to do some of this work on their own. You may begin experiencing feelings of inadequacy, but try to remain optimistic and encouraging. If you are putting in a lot more work into their recovery than they are, you might be enabling rather than helping. And that’s not great for either of you. So keep fighting, keep encouraging, and keep loving! We’re with you!