No one ever woke up and said, “Today, I want to get out there and damage my current and future relationships. Guess I’ll go cut myself off emotionally, undermine trust, and leave my partner feeling confused, rejected, angry, and betrayed.”
No one says they want to damage their relationships. Yet, a growing number of studies show that consuming porn can have that effect, especially in committed, exclusive relationships.
When porn is kept secret
Perhaps the most consistent finding of pornography studies to date is a sizable gap between men and women. This gap exists in their personal consumption and acceptance of pornography.
Dozens of studies show that while it’s not uncommon for women to consume porn, men are more likely than women to view pornography, and this is particularly true of viewing pornography regularly on a daily or weekly basis.Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in men's and women's pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146-163. doi:10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796Copy And, studies also show that many women in heterosexual relationships are frequently not aware of the amount of porn that their partners view.Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in men's and women's pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146-163. doi:10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796Copy
Given this gap between men and women, it’s probably no surprise that women tend to view porn and its effects very differently from men.Olmstead, S. B., Negash, S., Pasley, K., & Fincham, F. D. (2013). Emerging Adults’ Expectations for Pornography Use in the Context of Future Committed Romantic Relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, 625-635. doi:10.1007/s10508-012-9986-7Copy While anyone of any gender can develop a pornography habit, studies indicate that many women—even if they believe that pornography consumption is okay for other people—see no acceptable role for porn within their own committed relationship.Olmstead, S. B., Negash, S., Pasley, K., & Fincham, F. D. (2013). Emerging Adults’ Expectations for Pornography Use in the Context of Future Committed Romantic Relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, 625-635. doi:10.1007/s10508-012-9986-7Copy
It’s common for people to find out that their partner has been consuming porn without their knowledge. They may also discover their partner is watching types of porn they are not comfortable with. When this happens, partners can feel a whole range of negative emotions, including rejection, loneliness, anger, and shame.Tylka, T. L., & Kroon Van Diest, A. M. (2015). You Looking at Her “Hot” Body May Not be “Cool” for Me: Integrating Male Partners’ Pornography Use into Objectification Theory for Women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 39(1), 67–84. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784Copy
Even if not seen as cheating, porn can still cause a deep sense of betrayal and mistrust.Szymanski, D. M., Feltman, C. E., & Dunn, T. L. (2015). Male partners’ perceived pornography use and Women’s relational and psychological health: The roles of trust, attitudes, and investment. Sex Roles, 73(5), 187-199. doi:10.1007/s11199-015-0518-5Copy Tylka, T. L., & Kroon Van Diest, A. M. (2015). You Looking at Her “Hot” Body May Not be “Cool” for Me: Integrating Male Partners’ Pornography Use into Objectification Theory for Women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 39(1), 67–84. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784Copy The secrecy, shame, isolation, and mistrust that can be introduced into a relationship by porn consumption can then snowball into all kinds of problems.Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone or Together: Associations with Relationship Quality. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. doi:10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4Copy
You can’t have it both ways
Even if porn isn’t kept a secret—even if partners are open and honest about their consumption—it can still do real harm.
Much of the harm comes from porn fostering unrealistic expectations. Partners feel they can never meet these expectations in a real relationship. In porn, the performers always look their best. They are forever young, surgically enhanced, airbrushed, and Photoshopped to perfection.Hilton, D. L., (2013). Pornography addiction—a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 3:20767. doi:10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767Copy So it’s not difficult to see why, according to a national poll, six out of seven women believe that porn has changed men’s expectations of how women should look.Paul, P. (2010). From Pornography to Porno to Porn: How Porn Became the Norm. In Stoner, J. Stoner & Hughes, D. (Eds.), The Social Cost of Pornography: A Collection of Papers (pp. 3-20). Princeton, N.J.: Witherspoon Institute.Copy
Porn distorts not only physical looks but also other aspects. It generally portrays women as anxious for sex anywhere, at any time, with anyone. They are shown as delighted to go as long and as aggressively as one or multiple partners want. They always climax, usually loudly and ecstatically, and then are immediately ready for more. Never get tired or sore. They never need a break. And even when they say “no,” it’s insinuated that they don’t really mean it. In fact, they never seem to need anything at all except endless sex. They depict women as happy with whatever a man wants to do, even if it’s risky, painful, or humiliating.Layden, M. A. (2010) Pornography and Violence: A New Look at the Research. In Stoner, J. & Hughes, D. (Eds.), The Social Cost of Pornography: A Collection of Papers (pp. 57-68). Princeton, N.J.: Witherspoon InstituteCopy
If you think those unrealistic depictions don’t work their way into consumers’ beliefs, expectations, and actions, think again.Peter, J. & Valkenburg, P. M., (2016) Adolescents and Pornography: A Review of 20 Years of Research. Journal of Sex Research, 53(4-5), 509-531. doi:10.1080/00224499.2016.1143441Copy
A recent poll found that men who consume more porn are more likely to feel dissatisfied with their penis size. And the same goes for women with male partners—the more porn they consume, the less satisfied they are with their partner’s penis size.International Andrology London. (2017). The porn hypothesis – findings prove porn consumption fuels the desire for penis enlargement surgery in the UK. Retrieved from https://london-andrology.co.uk/news/the-porn-hypothesis-findings-prove-porn-consumption-fuels-the-desire-for-penis-enlargement-surgery-in-the-uk/Copy And in one survey of 16 to 18-year-old Americans, nearly every participant reported learning about sex by watching porn, and many of the young women said they felt pressured to play out the “scripts” their male partners had learned from porn.Rothman, E. F., Kaczmarsky, C., Burke, N., Jansen, E., & Baughman, A. (2015). “Without Porn…I Wouldn’t Know Half the Things I Know Now”: A Qualitative Study of Pornography Use Among a Sample of Urban, Low-Income, Black and Hispanic Youth. Journal of Sex Research, 52(7), 736-746. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.960908Copy
They felt badgered into having sex in uncomfortable positions, faking sexual responses, and consenting to unpleasant or painful acts.
Of course, the pain caused by porn can go far beyond a bad experience in the bedroom. Individuals who learn of their partner’s porn habit often internalize their shame and confusion, asking themselves why they aren’t “enough.”Szymanski, D. M., Feltman, C. E., & Dunn, T. L. (2015). Male partners’ perceived pornography use and Women’s relational and psychological health: The roles of trust, attitudes, and investment. Sex Roles, 73(5), 187-199. doi:10.1007/s11199-015-0518-5Copy
There are several studies that have shown that this experience is quite common in relationships where one partner consumes porn.Stewart, D. N., & Szymanski, D. M. (2012). Young Adult Women’s Reports of Their Male Romantic Partner’s Pornography Use as a Correlate of Their Self-Esteem, Relationship Quality, and Sexual Satisfaction. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Vol. 67(5-6), pp. 257-271.Copy For example, a study of young adult college women in heterosexual relationships with men who consume porn found that the frequency of the man’s porn consumption was negatively correlated with the woman’s sense of self-esteem, her level of relationship quality, and her amount of sexual satisfaction—and these negative patterns were found to become worse the longer the relationship lasted.Tylka, T. L., & Kroon Van Diest, A. M. (2015). You Looking at Her “Hot” Body May Not be “Cool” for Me: Integrating Male Partners’ Pornography Use into Objectification Theory for Women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 39(1), 67–84. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784Copy
Another team of researchers interviewed women who were in couples therapy for their partner’s pornography consumption. They found that pornography consumption is linked to feelings of betrayal and the erosion of the attachment bond in couple relationships. The researchers concluded that an analysis of the wives’ comments revealed a sense of “distance or disconnection from their husband” and “a general sense of being betrayed and harmed by their husband and subsequently feeling unsafe, emotionally and psychologically speaking, and insecure in their relationship.”Zitzman, S. T., & Butler, M. H. (2009). Wives’ experience of husbands’ pornography use and concomitant deception as an attachment threat in the adult pair-bond relationship. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 16, 210–240.Copy
Put it all together, and there is growing evidence. Pornography consumption can negatively impact the depth of attachment and trust in romantic relationships.
A new way to harm
In recent years, the ubiquity of the smartphone has led to a rise in image-based abuse. Often referred to as ‘revenge porn’. Image-based abuse refers to sharing—or threatening to share—nude or intimate images of someone without their consent.
Studies have shown that victims of image-based abuse experience a general loss of trust in relationships, and many victims experience severe and disruptive mental health effects, including PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Bates, S. (2017). Revenge Porn and Mental Health: A Qualitative Analysis of the Mental Health Effects of Revenge Porn on Female Survivors. Feminist Criminology, 12(1), 22–42. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557085116654565Copy
The researchers of one study on image-based abuse concluded:
“The negative mental health consequences of revenge porn for female survivors are similar in nature to the negative mental health outcomes that rape survivors experience. Rape survivors frequently experience PTSD, anxiety, and depression, all of which participants in this study experienced.” Bates, S. (2017). Revenge Porn and Mental Health: A Qualitative Analysis of the Mental Health Effects of Revenge Porn on Female Survivors. Feminist Criminology, 12(1), 22–42. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557085116654565Copy
This study also found that victims of image-based abuse tend to develop negative coping mechanisms. They might engage in avoidance, denial, and self-medication to avoid feelings of despair and distress regarding their victimization. This and other studies reveal the seriousness of revenge porn, the devastating impacts it has on survivors’ mental health, and the similarities between revenge porn and sexual assault. Bates, S. (2017). Revenge Porn and Mental Health: A Qualitative Analysis of the Mental Health Effects of Revenge Porn on Female Survivors. Feminist Criminology, 12(1), 22–42. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557085116654565Copy
Disturbingly, an estimated 1 in 12 U.S. adults report that they have been victims of image-based abuse, and even more disturbingly, 1 in 20 report that they have been perpetrators of image-based abuse.Ruvalcaba, Y., & Eaton, A. A. (2020). Nonconsensual pornography among U.S. adults: A sexual scripts framework on victimization, perpetration, and health correlates for women and men. Psychology of Violence, 10(1), 68-78. doi:10.1037/vio0000233Copy
Interestingly enough, research also suggests that because regular porn consumers tend to develop sexually objectifying attitudes, they are more willing to share intimate images of someone else without their consent.van Oosten, J., & Vandenbosch, L. (2020). Predicting the Willingness to Engage in Non-Consensual Forwarding of Sexts: The Role of Pornography and Instrumental Notions of Sex. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(4), 1121–1132. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01580-2Copy Seabrook, R. C., Ward, L. M., & Giaccardi, S. (2019). Less than human? Media use, objectification of women, and men’s acceptance of sexual aggression. Psychology of Violence, 9(5), 536-545. doi:10.1037/vio0000198Copy
Conclusion
The research is clear—porn is not a harmless pastime, especially when it’s hurting a romantic partner. However, the research is also clear that shame is not an effective way to motivate someone to change.Brown, B. (2012). Understanding and combating shame. Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.Copy According to one study of individuals trying to quit porn, researchers found that shame actually predicted increased pornography consumption while guilt predicted sustainable change.Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. 18(1), 12-29. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.551182Copy
So if you’re trying to give up porn, be kind to yourself and be patient with your progress. Like anything, it takes time for the brain to recover. However, daily efforts make a big difference in the long run.
To love someone is to focus—to see the good and the bad and love them anyway. Focusing your time, energy, and love on someone is a wonderful feeling. When that person focuses back on you, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. Too often, however, porn breaks that focus. Let’s refocus on love.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
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