Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.
We received this personal story from a Fighter whose heart and family have been deeply hurt by her partner's porn habit. Stories like these show how watching porn isn't just a personal pastime, it's something that affects others, sometimes even more so.
My story begins when I first fell in love and had my first kiss. I fell head over heels for my then boyfriend and I thought he was perfect. We were on cloud nine, and although we had hiccups along the road, we were so happy for that first year of dating. But I had no idea that he was hiding something from me.
Sex, Lies And Videos Online
He was a quiet and private person, but we had always shared and talked about everything. Or so I thought. Little did I know that the entire time we were dating was that he was hiding his porn addiction from me. And not only did he hide it, but he actually lied to me about it when I asked.
When you are in a relationship, you cannot deny the clear signs evidence of extreme/heavy porn viewing. It becomes so clear if you know what to look for. We started arguing constantly about porn. His viewing damaged me and made me feel horrible, absolutely worthless, disgusting and unattractive.
I have always been taller than most guys, standing at 6 feet tall. At the time, I was 200 pounds, but I thought I was very attractive and even gorgeous when I got dressed up. I was content with my body, I was fit, healthy and athletic. My body was fairly toned and tanned, except for my stomach. I felt good about myself… until his porn viewing taught me that I shouldn’t.
We Thought We Could Work It Out
Despite the trials, we thought we could work through our problems and I hoped I would have the happy ending I always planned on with the love of my life. Once again, I was wrong. I put too much faith in a man who acted like a child. I put too much effort into trying to salvage a broken and deteriorating relationship that he wasn’t willing to fight for. One day, I noticed I was feeling different and instantly knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. I was on the pill and we weren’t planning to start our family until after college, but it happened anyways.
Related: I Skipped Meals To Compete With My Husband’s Porn Habit
To my surprise, my boyfriend was beyond thrilled. He seemed ecstatic and over the moon! I thought that a child would guide him into the right direction, that he would love our child enough to stop looking at thousands of naked women behind my back.
I thought wrong again.
Although he was by my side throughout my entire pregnancy, I never knew if he was really going to stay with me or not. I always had a feeling that he might leave me for another woman or for his porn. We kept fighting about the porn on his computer and the history I kept finding while using his computer. He was never ashamed of it, and he eventually stopped bothering to hide or delete it. He refused to believe he had a problem, that he was an addict.
His behavior began to eat away at my very soul. His behavior was slowly but surely destroying my life, my confidence, and my body image. All I could ever think about was the fact that I was never enough, that he needed porn instead of his girlfriend. I just assumed he would eventually end up cheating on me and I even prepared myself for it. I figured it was just a matter of time.
What We Lost To Porn
Porn also ruined our once amazing and fulfilling sex life. He wasn’t interested in me or my body, he was more interested in objectifying and exploiting naked strangers on the internet. He ignored me, my wants, and my needs. He pushed me away and never wanted to have sex. On the rare occasion that we did have sex, he would just stop in the middle of it and say something like, “I can’t. I’m just not in the mood anymore.” He always wanted to have sex in the dark and with his eyes closed. I should have known right then and there that he had serious problems, but I didn’t want to believe it myself. I thought that we had hit rock bottom. Once more I was wrong.
Related: How Porn Dehumanizes Women Through Sexual Objectification
One day I found literally hundreds of videos on his history from just a few days. He was watching a lot and more frequently. I reached out to his mom hoping she would help me. She didn’t and basically refused to believe he had a problem. I reached out to my family and everyone just said things like, “Oh, well you know porn isn’t that bad,” or “It’s not like he’s cheating or sleeping around,” or “Just deal with it and stop complaining.” My own family didn’t even have my back.
I was crushed and my world began to fall apart. It wasn’t long after that I found sex chats and video links on his computer. He denied searching for and using the links. He said the computer made the links pop up, which was a blatant lie. I then found more porn on his phone and my heart broke into even more pieces. I knew that this could be the end of our relationship. I thought it couldn’t get much worse. Once again, I thought wrong.
Things Came Crashing Down
I can’t describe how it felt to come home from the hospital after giving birth to my son to find messages with complete strangers on his FB account. He had even sent messages about our sex life to a girl we had both gone to high school with, a girl who he later told me he had a crush on. The day things came crashing down still carries so much hurt.
One day, I entrusted my son to him while I quickly hopped in the shower. I will forever regret that decision. I came out of the shower to find my son’s father in our room with the door closed, headphones on and watching porn, with my newborn son sitting inches away. I’ve never felt so violated and disgusted in my entire life. My disappointment and sadness turned into red hot rage. No one in my entire life had treated me so poorly and horribly. At that point I honestly just wanted to die I was in so much pain. I felt an immense and overwhelming amount of sadness from his betrayal.
Related: This Online Community Offers Support To Women With A Porn-Addicted Partner
Nearly a year went by and we fought more about porn, until finally breaking up a week before our son turned 1 year old. My ex, the father of my son, abandoned us because he cared more about porn. He chose porn over me, our son, our family and our future. He loved porn so much he left the mother of his child/his first love/first girlfriend and his child. His addiction made his heart grow cold. The porn shifted his personality. The porn destroyed my first love and my son’s father.
-K.
Why This Matters
This story is just one of thousands of personal accounts we get from significant others all across the world, hurt by their partner’s porn use. Science is proving that pornography harms the individual by harming the brain and damaging relationships.
The Research Is In
Research has found that marriages in which one person has a porn problem or sexual compulsion are often plagued by less intimacy and sensitivity, as well as more anxiety, secrecy, isolation, and dysfunction in the relationship. As a result, divorces related to porn use have “exploded,” says Dr. Gary Brooks, a psychologist who has been working with porn addicts for 30 years.
In a survey of members of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers taken in 2002, 62 percent of the divorce attorneys surveyed said that obsession with porn had been a significant factor in divorces cases they had handled in the last year.
What YOU Can Do
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Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
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