Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.
We received a story that shows how porn can drive a wedge between couples and weaken their intimacy and emotional connection. The myth that porn can spice up relationships is not only false, it's downright harmful.
You probably get thousands of these messages every day, but I really would like to share my story with you and support your work to raise awareness on the harmful effects of porn.
I am 27 years old and I am from Germany. When I was 23, I was in a relationship with a guy who was really into porn.
Right from the beginning, I knew that he watched it on a very regular basis. I was shocked because I never met anyone before who was that into it, and when I tried to convince him that this was not a healthy thing, he made fun of me. “All guys do it,” “It’s a normal thing to do,” “It has nothing to do with you.” That’s what he always kept saying. He did not even try to hide it. For him, it was just a normal thing.
I was so confused by this whole situation that I did not know what to do. So I just started believing what he was telling me. I started telling myself that porn was not such an unhealthy thing for us. That it could actually make our sex life better. I just wanted it to be true.
I couldn’t say no
I realized very soon that I lied to myself and that my boyfriend’s porn obsession would actually affect our relationship and sex life in a very negative way.
Sex was always a very mechanical and unloving act. He always treated me like one of these girls that he saw on his computer. He convinced me to do many things that really had nothing to do with love. I just let it happen. I could not say no. I always tried to persuade myself that this is what an exciting sex life must look like. I told myself that I just had to get used to it.
Related: How You Can Quit Watching Porn Today
“Normal” sex could never satisfy or even arouse him. Foreplay was so boring to him that once he almost fell asleep. He regularly had difficulties to get or maintain an erection during sex.
One night, after we had sex, he disappeared to the bathroom. Later I found out that he went there to watch porn because the sex we had was not satisfying for him. I felt so worthless and betrayed… I was just not enough to him.
Sometimes, he told me that he preferred watching porn than having sex with me. It became so obvious that porn destroyed our sex life and that he even had erectile dysfunction because of this. But it did not seem to bother him at all. For him, this was just normal.
I wanted to be enough
What disturbs me most today is that I just could not say no to him. It made me feel so bad to see that I did not satisfy him. So I tried to do all I could, and I said yes to a lot of things he wanted to try. Things I feel so ashamed of today. I wanted to satisfy him and make him happy. I just wanted to be enough. But it never worked out.
Related: Why Watching Porn Doesn’t Make You A Bad Person
Today, we are not a couple anymore. But even now, many years later, I still feel the effects of my ex-boyfriend’s porn habit.
There is a constant fear inside of me that my next boyfriend might be someone who has the same problem. That I just can’t say no, again. I hope that my story will open other women’s and men’s eyes about the harmful effects of porn. I have seen how porn can destroy your sex life, and even hurt your self-esteem.
I just hope that others will be stronger than me and stand up against it.
–K.
Same story, different relationships
The kind of intimacy porn offers is nothing more than sexual arousal, and that’s it. We see that from this Fighter’s story, and numerous other stories as well as the growing amount of research, all pointing to porn’s harmful effects.
As we’ve discussed, research suggests that there are a number of ways that porn can negatively impact romantic relationships. As the evidence of porn’s potential harms continues to pile up, many leading therapists and relationship experts have started to express concerns about the impacts of pornography on relationships.
Related: 3 Reasons Why NOT Watching Porn Is Actually Really Sex-Positive
In fact, world-renowned relationship experts, Doctors John and Julie Gottman wrote an open letter through the Gottman Institute to express their concerns. Here’s some of what they had to say:
“Research on the effects of pornography use, especially one person frequently viewing pornographic images online, shows that pornography can hurt a couple’s relationship…
… There are many other factors about porn use that can threaten a relationship’s intimacy. First, intimacy for couples is a source of connection and communication between two people. But when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to porn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction. Second, when watching pornography the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner…
… Worse still, many porn sites include violence toward women, the antithesis of intimate connection…. Pornography can also lead to a decrease in relationship trust and a higher likelihood of affairs outside the relationship. Many porn sites now offer an escalation of sexual activity beyond simply viewing porn that includes actually having sex with other individuals.
… In summary, we are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony. This moment calls for public discussion, and we want our readers around the world to understand what is at stake.”
–Drs. John and Julie Gottman, The Gottman Institute, April 5, 2016Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (April 5, 2016). An open letter on porn. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-open-letter-on-porn/Copy
You deserve better
The research is clear—porn is not a harmless pastime, especially when it’s hurting a romantic partner. But the research is also clear that shame is not an effective way to motivate someone to change.Brown, B. (2012). Understanding and combating shame. Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.Copy
According to one study of individuals trying to quit porn, researchers found that shame actually predicted increased pornography consumption while guilt predicted sustainable change.Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. 18(1), 12-29. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.551182Copy So if you’re trying to give up porn, be kind to yourself and be patient with your progress. Like anything, it takes time for the brain to recover, but daily efforts make a big difference in the long run.
On the surface, porn may seem harmless, or may even seem like a good way to learn more about sex. Maybe a committed relationship seems far away in the future, or you feel confident that a little porn won’t harm your relationships. But the research is clear—porn can have devastating impacts on relationships, both sexually and emotionally. There is no substitute for real connection, and porn isn’t worth risking that.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
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