Written by Chandler Rogers, CEO at Relay
The holidays are supposed to be the happiest time of the year, right? Colorful lights, parties, good food, traditions, and festivities. But for many, things don’t feel so warm or cheery on the inside.
This time of year can feel heavy, complicated, and lonely in ways that are difficult to put into words. There is pressure to be cheerful. Pressure to make others happy. Pressure to be the version of yourself everyone expects. Pressure to show up, be present when all you want to do is retreat.
And for anyone who is working on overcoming a porn habit, the holiday season can tug at old threads you didn’t even realize were still there.
When your inner world does not align with the outer world around you, it can stir up shame – a shame that often becomes the gateway back into old coping habits. Back to porn.
Why The Holidays Are Difficult
Part of why the holidays feel more difficult is that they disrupt the structure you usually rely on. You might go on vacation and take time off work. Your routines change, and you find yourself sleeping in more or staying up too late. That rest can feel nice, but it may also bring up other feelings like guilt, boredom, depression, etc.
Even if you don’t take time off, things can feel weird when everyone else is mentally checked out or less responsive at work. Alternatively, you may feel extra busy with increased pressure to complete tasks or finish important projects before the end of the year.
Whatever your situation, the holidays tend to alter our normal rhythm and reveal the “cracks” in our emotional floorboards.
Dealing With Family Dynamics
For many people, holidays mean getting together with family. Even when these experiences are mostly positive, family time can bring up old dynamics, childhood patterns, and memories that may activate certain parts of yourself that haven’t been present for a long time.
You might feel unseen or misunderstood in ways that are subtle and hard to recognize. Even if you love your family, there can still be a younger part of you inside that remembers what it was like to cope with stress by escaping. That part still knows precisely how to withdraw when you feel overwhelmed or disconnected.
The Holiday Scramble
People love to pack in events and activities during the holiday season, from work events and concerts to winter showcases and holiday markets, the list goes on. Combine that with shopping, planning, traveling, and cooking, and the holidays can be busy.
This sudden influx of busyness and stress often takes away from the moments to slow down, breathe, and invest time into self-care. This can leave us feeling more depleted, more exhausted, and more susceptible to coping with unhealthy habits, like porn.
The Ache of Loneliness
Loneliness is another big one. You can be in a house crowded with people and still feel completely alone. You can be surrounded by noise and laughter and still feel like you are on the outside of the story everyone else is living. That kind of loneliness tempts us to numb out at the end of the night, long after everyone else has gone to bed.
And then there is the end-of-year pressure as New Year’s approaches. You look at the past eleven months and maybe feel like you should be further along. You had goals. You had hopes. You had a version of yourself you wanted to grow into. When you fall short of that, shame tries to make you feel stuck and powerless.
The Perfect Storm
All of this makes the holiday season a perfect storm for sexual triggers. Not because you are weak, but because you are human.
Here is the part many people forget. Acting out does not begin the moment you type something into a search bar. It starts hours or days earlier when you feel stressed, hurt, overlooked, bored, exhausted, resentful, or overwhelmed. The holidays amplify all of those conditions.
But this does not have to be a season where your only goal is to survive.
We don’t need to fear or subject ourselves to the broken belief that we are destined to hit a rough patch.
The truth is that you can make this time of year beautiful and navigate it with poise and excitement if you prepare intentionally and have the right mindset.
How to Make the Holidays a Win This Year
Here are a few things that you can do to set yourself up for success this holiday season:
- Plan for the family dynamics. You do not need to assume the worst. Be honest with yourself about what typically happens in those environments. Notice what parts of you tend to get activated. Create a plan for how you want to present yourself, manage stress, and express yourself if you need space. Give yourself permission to care for your emotions without feeling guilty. Set your boundaries and pay attention to how you’re feeling.
- Plan for the environment itself. Late nights, alcohol, unstructured time, and unfamiliar places can all increase the desire to click. None of these are necessarily “bad”, but they are conditions that can make the brain more vulnerable to old habits. Think ahead about what you want to avoid, what boundaries you want to hold, and how you can stay grounded.
- Give yourself space. Step outside. Take walks. Find moments of quiet. Reflect. Listen to your body. Listen to the part of you that needs care. You do not need to perform for anyone or “people please”. You are allowed to take breaks.
- Stay connected to support. Send daily check-ins. Reach out to a trusted friend. Keep your team in the loop. You may need to adjust your everyday routines, but ensure you have systems in place to stay connected.
- Take care of your basic needs. Sleep, food, sunlight, movement, hydration. These things sound simple, but they are the foundation for regulating your nervous system. When your basic needs are met, urges lose a lot of their power.
Dealing with Setbacks and Disappointments
If you do happen to stumble this season, it does not mean you’ve failed. It does not erase the work you have done. It just means you are human. What matters is how you get back up and choose to respond. Try to remain curious, and let this season be a teacher, not a judge.
The holidays can be complicated. They can hold both joy and pain simultaneously. But you are not powerless here. You can enter this season with open eyes, clearer expectations, and a softer heart toward yourself.
And truthfully, that is the real work of recovery. Not just avoiding unwanted behavior, but learning how to move through life with more awareness, more honesty, and more compassion toward the parts of you that are still healing.
You deserve to feel steady and supported this holiday season. Know that you are not alone in this, and you are more capable than you think.
You’re Not Alone
If you’re looking for help this holiday season or to prepare for the new year, know you don’t have to do this alone. Discover connection, support, and expert recovery tools within Relay. The best part is you don’t even have to share your name; you can get help anonymously. Thousands of people have experienced life porn-free through Relay. Give yourself the gift of freedom and try Relay for free for 7 days. Use code FTND26 at checkout.
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Your Support Matters Now More Than Ever
Most kids today are exposed to porn by the age of 12. By the time they’re teenagers, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have already viewed itRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy —often before they’ve had a single healthy conversation about it.
Even more concerning: over half of boys and nearly 40% of girls believe porn is a realistic depiction of sexMartellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.Copy . And among teens who have seen porn, more than 79% of teens use it to learn how to have sexRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy . That means millions of young people are getting sex ed from violent, degrading content, which becomes their baseline understanding of intimacy. Out of the most popular porn, 33%-88% of videos contain physical aggression and nonconsensual violence-related themesFritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.Copy .
From increasing rates of loneliness, depression, and self-doubt, to distorted views of sex, reduced relationship satisfaction, and riskier sexual behavior among teens, porn is impacting individuals, relationships, and society worldwideFight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.Copy .
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