If you’re in a partnership with someone who watches porn and you see how it negatively impacts your relationship, you might feel like you’re in the minority by worrying about it.
The mass normalization of porn and mass judgment of people who aren’t okay with it might cause some partners to think, “Is my partner’s porn habit harming our relationship, or am I just insecure?”
Although communicating needs and setting boundaries are normal parts of any healthy relationship, some partners who voice their concerns about porn in their relationships report being labeled as “insecure” or “crazy.”
But let’s take a look at the research—are their worries unfounded?
To start, research shows that even partners who say they’re totally accepting of porn report experiencing psychological distress and negative effects on their relationship when their partner consumes porn.Szymanski, D. M., Feltman, C. E., & Dunn, T. L. (2015). Male partners’ perceived pornography use and Women’s relational and psychological health: The roles of trust, attitudes, and investment. Sex Roles, 73(5), 187-199. doi:10.1007/s11199-015-0518-5Copy
In other words, this research suggests that distress over a partner’s porn habit is not based on preexisting opinions about porn. Porn can negatively affect any relationship, regardless of insecurity levels or opinions on porn.Szymanski, D. M., Feltman, C. E., & Dunn, T. L. (2015). Male partners’ perceived pornography use and Women’s relational and psychological health: The roles of trust, attitudes, and investment. Sex Roles, 73(5), 187-199. doi:10.1007/s11199-015-0518-5Copy
According to a 2021 report, based on a national sample of couples:
- 1 in 5 couples report conflict related to porn
- 1 in 4 men reported actively hiding their porn habits from their partner
- 1 in 3 dating women and 1 in 5 married people report worrying that their partner is more attracted to porn and/or that they think about porn while having sex
The majority of couples surveyed had not discussed or set boundaries around porn in their relationship.Willoughby, B. J., Rhoades, G. K., & Carroll, J. S. (2021). The Porn Gap: How is pornography impacting relationships between men and women today? The Wheatley Institute and Austin Institute. https://wheatley.byu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/The-Porn-Gap-Wheatley-2021.pdfCopy
According to a study that kept track of couples over a six-year period, porn consumption was the second-strongest predictor that a relationship would suffer. In fact, the relationships that were harmed the most were those of individuals who consumed porn the most.Perry S. L. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence from Longitudinal Data. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(2), 549–559. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0770-yCopy
Another study found that individuals who never viewed porn reported higher relationship quality—on every measure—compared with those who viewed the same explicit material on their own.Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing sexually-explicit materials alone or together: Associations with relationship quality. Archives of sexual behavior, 40(2), 441–448. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4Copy
Drs. John and Julie Gottman—world-renowned experts on marriage and relationships—shared an open letter on porn in which they said:
“We are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony.”Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (April 5, 2016). An open letter on porn. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-open-letter-on-porn/Copy
The research is clear that porn negatively impacts relationships, regardless of a partner’s stance on porn.
If you’ve been hurt by a partner’s porn habit, please know that you’re not alone, and feeling hurt or expressing concern doesn’t make you “crazy.” There is hope and help.
To find resources or more info on how to navigate relational conflicts about porn, visit our conversation blueprint.
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