In society today, many people have the idea that porn is a great way to “spice things up” with their partner or that it can be a healthy thing for couples to watch together. Our organization gets messages like this from people all the time.
What’s interesting is that some of these people even recognize that porn is harmful to individuals, but they also seem to think that when porn is consumed with a partner, it suddenly becomes a great tool for the bedroom. This skewed thinking is only made worse by the misinformation being promoted everywhere we look.
Just take a look at some of these headlines from popular online news sources:
But while the internet may have you believe otherwise, science and research are proving time and time again that porn can warp relationship expectations, destroy intimacy, and drive a wedge between partners and their intimacy.
Decades of research from major institutions supported by countless personal accounts from people all over the world confirm that porn is, in fact, not harmless, and we wouldn’t be doing society a service by saying it is. All someone has to do is evaluate the existing research on porn to understand that this issue is bigger than what you might normally hear about porn being a tool to “express sexuality” or “spice up relationships.”
Two of the most respected pornography researchers found that consuming pornography makes many individuals less satisfied with their own partners’ physical appearance, sexual performance, sexual curiosity, and affection. [1] They also found that, over time, many porn consumers can grow more callous toward females in general, less likely to value monogamy and marriage, and more likely to develop distorted perceptions of sexuality. [2] Other researchers have confirmed those results and added that porn consumers tend to be significantly less intimate with their partners, [3] less committed in their relationships, [4] less satisfied with their romantic and sex lives, [5] and more likely to cheat on their partners. [6]
“Porn Kills Love” is an impactful statement that is meant to spark awareness and motivate a change in perspective in our porn-saturated world. It encompasses, in a simplified statement, what the research is saying about porn’s impact on society as a whole, as well as individuals and their ability and/or desire to bond with others healthfully.
Our declaration is “Porn Kills Love,” not that “insert consumer’s name” kills love. Our message is directed at porn itself, not at the person who consumes it. In fact, consider how most porn consumers have no idea that porn is harmful—and why would they? We live in a world where porn is completely normalized, celebrated, and even promoted.
Porn is, at best, heartbreaking and, at worst, downright destructive to relationships.
To further show the reality of these facts, the following story was recently sent to us by a young married woman who told us how porn became an unwanted part of her relationship and what happened when she decided to join in.
What the letter said
“Dear FTND,
First of all… I LOVE your page! Secondly, I would like to share my story.
I had only been dating the guy who is now my husband of five years for a short time when I first walked in on him watching porn. Up until that point, I had no idea. I had so much respect for him before this happened. It hurt me because this wasn’t just some casual, new relationship; he was my best friend, too. I decided then and there that I was having none of that, and I broke up with him in despair.
The next day, I took him back because he said “sorry” and “it will never happen again.” I could tell he truly was sorry, but what I didn’t know was that he had been addicted to porn for quite some time. Not long after this incident, I felt I couldn’t trust him anymore. Every few weeks, I would check his search history to be sure he was being honest with me, and I would find links to porn sites throughout his computer. He would swear he hadn’t watched it until I told him I had checked his computer. This made me feel worthless as a person, more than words can say.
We weren’t involved sexually (I wanted to wait), but his porn forced me to feel like I had to sleep with him or else I would lose him.
So I did. And from then on, we were physical all the time.
But his obsession still continued. I began to slowly spiral into a depression that ultimately led me to attempt suicide. I always felt as though I was never good enough.
Then, one day, it dawned on me. What if I join in? What if I watch porn with him?
So that’s what I did.
And what happened was that I became just as hooked on porn as he was. It began killing the love in our relationship and completely destroying our respect for each other (or what respect was left, anyway). It made me a totally different person. The reality vs. fantasy was all too much for me to handle until porn seemed to become more of a reality than my actual reality.
One day, I realized what was happening, and we both realized we needed help.
Slowly but surely, over these last few years, we began healing. We started counseling, and we talked in depth about everything, which is something we couldn’t do while we were drowning in the world of porn. It took a long time, and it was hard, but I knew we had to throw out those DVDs and ditch the computer.
We did everything we could to save our relationship, and now we are happily married (I can finally say this and have it be the truth)! We’ve been porn-free for a few years now. We have our trust back for one another, as well as our respect. I guess you could say love took hold where porn left off.
Thanks for all that you do!”
– S.
A common story
This story is actually way more common than you might think. It is not uncommon for partners of porn viewers to end up looking at porn as well, either out of curiosity to see what they’re being compared to or in a desperate attempt to salvage the intimacy in their marriage.
Just recently, we received another inbox message from a young married woman saying this:
These are real stories from real people who have had their relationships torn apart by the harmful effects of pornography. Still, think porn is harmless, personal entertainment?
Science, research, and personal accounts are all adding up to say the same thing: porn kills love. If you’re reading this, we believe you deserve better than what porn offers.
