Louise Perry, author and self-proclaimed “good old-fashioned feminist,” has recently spoken out on “sexual liberation”—challenging the cultural norm that casual sex is good for and desired by women.
Perry attests that modern dating and hookup culture is not only unpleasant for most women but even distressful and harmful.
Research and anecdotal evidence support the conclusion that casual sex isn’t a positive experience for the majority of women and that hookup culture benefits some men at the expense of most women. And on the other side of the coin, that sex is better when you’re committed to your partner.
You guessed it, porn is a key part of this hookup culture phenomenon. Research shows the direct influence porn has on modern dating and hookup culture, making it more normalized than ever.
Is Hookup Culture Really “Sexual Liberty”?
Let’s start with the basics: male and female sexuality are fundamentally different in some aspects and don’t match up in every way.
Of course, this isn’t the case with every person, but Perry argues that, on average, men want casual sex more often than women do, and women want committed monogamy more often than men do. So, what hookup culture does is demand women to comply with no-strings-attached sex and suppress their natural instincts in an effort to meet male desires.
We don’t want to over-generalize here—sure, some women may be happy to make these adjustments. But for many, it can cause serious psychological, physical, and emotional harm. Unwanted pregnancy, slut-shaming, and the risk of assault are all dangers sex carries that are particularly unique to women.
Hookup culture is normalized in our culture as “sexual liberty,” presented as a form of empowerment. Of course, individuals should be respected and given the freedom to make their own decisions about their bodies and their sex lives. But what casual sex has done is overstate the extent to which women really have a choice or experience truly fulfilling sex and connection when they do engage in it.
Social pressures have even caused many women struggling with the concept of hookup culture to question their sexuality. In a 2019 article, Elle magazine attempted to carve out a new category called “demisexuals” which describes “a select few members of society” who aren’t enthused about casual sex because they only feel attracted to people once they’ve gotten to know them and formed an emotional connection.
Washington Post writer Meryl Williams expressed struggling to identify with her sexuality for many years until she came across this “demisexual” concept on Twitter. “I’m just glad that a term for my sexuality exists, even if it’s one I’ll probably have to explain to my future partners.”
But the irony is that what Williams describes is typical female sexuality—emotional connection as a prerequisite to physical attraction and intimacy. What Williams and many women today may not fully realize is that hookup culture isn’t good for her—and that it’s the problem, she isn’t.
What’s particularly unsettling is the pressure for women to overcome, suppress, or shame themselves for their perfectly normal, inherent, healthy desire for intimacy and commitment in sexual relationships.
Perry references articles with titles like “How to Bio-Hack Your Brain to Have Sex Without Getting Emotionally Attached” that offer advice like avoiding eye contact with partners during sex, avoiding “making an intimate connection,” and avoiding alcohol since for women it seems to increase “the likelihood they will bond prematurely.”
Attempting to rewire your brain, emotional needs, and instincts to conform to a cultural norm doesn’t sound anything like “sexual liberty,” does it?
Hookup Culture Can Fuel Distress and Unfulfilling Sex
We deserve more than accepting a sexual culture that puts pressure on people who don’t want casual sex to satisfy the demands of people who do. But if so many women don’t enjoy hookup culture, why do they still force themselves to engage in it?
College student Leah Fessler became so interested in analyzing her own experiences with hookup culture that she wrote her senior-year thesis on it.
The experience of her and her peers was that if you wanted any kind of sex life, you didn’t have a choice but to engage in hookups. She’d made every attempt to ignore her unhappiness and even convinced herself that emotionless sex was the feminist thing to do.
“After I began having sex with these guys, the power balance always tipped. A few hookups in, I’d begin to obsess, primarily about the ambiguity of it all. My friends and I would analyze incessantly: Does he like me? Do you like him? He hasn’t texted in a day. Read this text. I’m so confused. He said he didn’t want anything but kept asking to hang out. . . . With time, inevitably, came attachment. And with attachment came shame, anxiety, and emptiness.”
Fessler described the harm of what she calls “pseudo-relationships,” or “the mutant children of meaningless sex and loving partnerships.”
“Two students consistently hook up with one another—and typically, only each other—for weeks, months, even years. Yet, per the unspoken social code, neither party is permitted emotional involvement, commitment, or vulnerability. To call them exclusive would be ‘clingy,’ or even ‘crazy.’”
She and her friends admitted that they preferred committed relationships. The women who participated in her research were the same—only 8 percent of women who were presently in “pseudo-relationships” claimed to be “happy” with their situation.
And Fessler and her friends aren’t alone—other studies consistently draw the same conclusion: after hookups, women are significantly more likely than men to experience mental distress, regret, and low self-esteem.
And while many wear casual sex as a badge of honor in the name of sexual liberation, research shows otherwise. In fact, female pleasure is rare during casual sex. A recent survey of college students found that only 11 percent of women orgasm in first-time hookups, compared to 67 percent of women in long-term relationships.
Simply put, a lot of young women are settling for unsatisfying, crappy sex that’s anything but sexually liberating.
Another layer to this that’s important to acknowledge is how hookup culture decreases the value of women in the eyes of men and in themselves.
Promiscuity generally damages a woman’s reputation but is viewed more neutrally by men. Surveys suggest that when looking for a long-term partner, most straight men prefer a wife with fewer past sexual partners and interest in casual sex, but women are more willing to accept a man with a past.
On the flip side, when men are looking for a hookup, and not a committed relationship, promiscuity can make a woman more appealing.
So, while many women engage in casual hookups with the hope that he’ll eventually want to commit, evidence suggests that the more she does so, the less likely he is to want her as a long-term partner. Pretty sad, right?
Porn’s Role in Hookup Culture
Now, in their defense, some men may not realize the toxic sexual culture they’re helping to perpetuate. Perry describes it this way:
“In the porn, they are typically exposed to from childhood, women are shown begging men for painful or degrading sex acts. When young men start having sex offline, they will likely encounter women—themselves schooled by porn and pop culture—who hide their distress, fake their orgasms, and work hard to avoid ‘catching feelings.’ We should hardly be surprised when, after all this, many men assume that women really don’t mind being relegated to ‘good time only.’”
A man may be genuinely perplexed by the unhappiness of a woman he’s been hooking up with for months or longer. After all, the education he’s received from porn all his life suggests she enjoys it, and she’s seemed ok with the arrangement thus far.
The woman may think something is wrong with her, too—after all, the women in porn seem to love the very things that leave her feeling broken down, self-conscious, unsatisfied, and “crazy.”
In so many ways, porn creates a tragic misunderstanding on both sides.
Porn exploits the most vulnerable parts of women, causing them to question and shame themselves for the very desires they inherently have—mutually fulfilling intimacy and connection with a partner who makes them feel safe and seen.
The fact is, porn has many harmful effects—including harming consumers’ sex lives, negatively impacting love and intimacy, normalizing sexual objectification, and distorting consumers’ understanding of healthy sex.
Porn promotes hookup culture, making it more normalized than ever. It’s clear that porn doesn’t stay compartmentalized as harmless entertainment but seeps into our culture with a devastating impact on real people and their real experiences.
Both women and men deserve more.
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