Have you ever learned that your partner was watching porn, and immediately felt hurt by that?
You’re not alone.
Individuals who learn of their partner’s porn habit often internalize their shame and confusion, asking themselves why they aren’t “enough.”Szymanski, D. M., Feltman, C. E., & Dunn, T. L. (2015). Male partners’ perceived pornography use and Women’s relational and psychological health: The roles of trust, attitudes, and investment. Sex Roles, 73(5), 187-199. doi:10.1007/s11199-015-0518-5Copy
There are several studies that have shown that this experience is quite common in relationships where one partner consumes porn.Stewart, D. N., & Szymanski, D. M. (2012). Young Adult Women’s Reports of Their Male Romantic Partner’s Pornography Use as a Correlate of Their Self-Esteem, Relationship Quality, and Sexual Satisfaction. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Vol. 67(5-6), pp. 257-271.Copy
Porn and self-esteem of partners
A study of young adult college women in heterosexual relationships with men who consume porn found that the frequency of the man’s porn consumption was negatively correlated with the woman’s sense of self-esteem, her level of relationship quality, and her amount of sexual satisfaction—and these negative patterns were found to become worse the longer the relationship lasted.Tylka, T. L., & Kroon Van Diest, A. M. (2015). You Looking at Her “Hot” Body May Not be “Cool” for Me: Integrating Male Partners’ Pornography Use into Objectification Theory for Women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 39(1), 67–84. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784Copy
Another team of researchers interviewed women who were in couple’s therapy for their partner’s pornography consumption. They found that pornography consumption is linked to feelings of betrayal and the erosion of the attachment bond in couple relationships. The researchers concluded that an analysis of the wives’ comments revealed a sense of “distance or disconnection from their husband” and “a general sense of being betrayed and harmed by their husband and subsequently feeling unsafe, emotionally and psychologically speaking, and insecure in their relationship.”Zitzman, S. T., & Butler, M. H. (2009). Wives’ experience of husbands’ pornography use and concomitant deception as an attachment threat in the adult pair-bond relationship. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 16, 210–240.Copy
Put it all together, and there is growing evidence that pornography consumption can negatively impact the depth of attachment and trust in romantic relationships.
Much of the harm comes from porn fostering unrealistic expectations that partners feel they can never live up to in a real relationship. In porn, the performers always look their best. They are forever young, surgically enhanced, airbrushed, and Photoshopped to perfection.Hilton, D. L., (2013). Pornography addiction—a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 3:20767. doi:10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767Copy
So it’s not difficult to see why, according to a national poll, six out of seven women believe that porn has changed men’s expectations of how women should look.Paul, P. (2010). From Pornography to Porno to Porn: How Porn Became the Norm. In Stoner, J. Stoner & Hughes, D. (Eds.), The Social Cost of Pornography: A Collection of Papers (pp. 3-20). Princeton, N.J.: Witherspoon Institute.Copy
But it’s not only physical looks that get distorted in porn.
Women are also generally portrayed as anxious for sex anywhere, at any time, with anyone, and they are delighted to go as long and as aggressively as one or multiple partners want. They always climax, usually loudly and ecstatically, and then are immediately ready for more. They never get tired or sore. They never need a break.
And even when they say “no,” it’s insinuated that they don’t really mean it. In fact, they never seem to need anything at all except endless sex. They are depicted as happy with whatever a man wants to do, even if it’s risky, painful, or humiliating.Layden, M. A. (2010) Pornography and Violence: A New Look at the Research. In Stoner, J. & Hughes, D. (Eds.), The Social Cost of Pornography: A Collection of Papers (pp. 57-68). Princeton, N.J.: Witherspoon InstituteCopy
A new way to harm
In recent years, the ubiquity of the smartphone has also marked the rise of image-based abuse, often referred to as “revenge porn.” Image-based abuse refers to sharing—or threatening to share—nude or intimate images of someone without their consent.
Studies have shown that victims of image-based abuse experience a general loss of trust in relationships, and many victims experience severe and disruptive mental health effects; including, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Bates, S. (2017). Revenge Porn and Mental Health: A Qualitative Analysis of the Mental Health Effects of Revenge Porn on Female Survivors. Feminist Criminology, 12(1), 22–42. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557085116654565Copy
The researchers of one study on image-based abuse concluded:
“The negative mental health consequences of revenge porn for female survivors are similar in nature to the negative mental health outcomes that rape survivors experience. Rape survivors frequently experience PTSD, anxiety, and depression, all of which participants in this study experienced.” Bates, S. (2017). Revenge Porn and Mental Health: A Qualitative Analysis of the Mental Health Effects of Revenge Porn on Female Survivors. Feminist Criminology, 12(1), 22–42. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557085116654565Copy
This study also found that victims of image-based abuse tend to develop negative coping mechanisms, like engaging in avoidance, denial, and self-medication in an attempt to avoid feelings of despair and distress regarding their victimization. This and other studies reveal the seriousness of revenge porn, the devastating impacts it has on survivors’ mental health, and similarities between revenge porn and sexual assault. Bates, S. (2017). Revenge Porn and Mental Health: A Qualitative Analysis of the Mental Health Effects of Revenge Porn on Female Survivors. Feminist Criminology, 12(1), 22–42. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557085116654565Copy
Disturbingly, an estimated 1 in 12 U.S. adults report that they have been victims of image-based abuse, and even more disturbingly, 1 in 20 report that they have been perpetrators of image-based abuse.Ruvalcaba, Y., & Eaton, A. A. (2020). Nonconsensual pornography among U.S. adults: A sexual scripts framework on victimization, perpetration, and health correlates for women and men. Psychology of Violence, 10(1), 68-78. doi:10.1037/vio0000233Copy
Interestingly enough, research also suggests that because regular porn consumers tend to develop sexually objectifying attitudes, they are more willing to share intimate images of someone else without their consent.van Oosten, J., & Vandenbosch, L. (2020). Predicting the Willingness to Engage in Non-Consensual Forwarding of Sexts: The Role of Pornography and Instrumental Notions of Sex. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(4), 1121–1132. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01580-2Copy Seabrook, R. C., Ward, L. M., & Giaccardi, S. (2019). Less than human? Media use, objectification of women, and men’s acceptance of sexual aggression. Psychology of Violence, 9(5), 536-545. doi:10.1037/vio0000198Copy
Conclusion
The research is clear—porn is not a harmless pastime, especially when it’s hurting a romantic partner. But the research is also clear that shame is not an effective way to motivate someone to change.Brown, B. (2012). Understanding and combating shame. Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.Copy According to one study of individuals trying to quit porn, researchers found that shame actually predicted increased pornography consumption while guilt predicted sustainable change.Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. 18(1), 12-29. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.551182Copy
So if you’re trying to give up porn, be kind to yourself and be patient with your progress. Like anything, it takes time for the brain to recover, but daily efforts make a big difference in the long run.
To love someone is to focus—to see the good and the bad and love them anyway. Focusing your time, your energy, and your love on someone who focuses back on you is one of the best feelings in the world. Too often, however, porn breaks that focus. Let’s refocus on love.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
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