In the U.S. and many countries around the world, qualified, caring therapists are more accessible than ever. Clinical professionals are excellent tools to help with a variety of challenges. They can assist with a personal struggle with porn. They also help with porn in a relationship. Additionally, they support survivors of abuse or exploitation in dealing with trauma.
Finding the right therapist and uncovering these painful, difficult topics can seem overwhelming. Matthias J. Barker, a licensed mental health counselor who has gained a significant following on TikTok and Instagram, shares why genuine healing is not only possible but worth every effort.
On a recent episode of our Consider Before Consuming podcast, Matthias discusses how past trauma and pain can have an impact on various aspects of one’s life, including how we experience pleasure or connection and how we relate to our own sexuality or pain. A therapist can help identify where those things overlap so you can experience a more healthy, fulfilling, connected life.
It might not always be obvious where trauma contributes to complex issues like dependence on pornography. Some people may be able to identify an event or inappropriate experience that could be linked to their porn problem. Still, for some, it may seem ambiguous how their experiences could be connected to a dependence on porn. That’s where a therapist can help.
When we have a habit we can’t kick and wish we could but keep going back to the same thing over and over, it typically comes down to trying to soothe some sort of emotional pain or trying to manage or avoid a complex emotion or series of thoughts. In other words, we’re trying to fix something that we genuinely don’t know how to solve—like an emotional problem, boredom, repressed trauma, loneliness, or feelings that are purposeless or meaningless. Even if you feel you have a great life and shouldn’t be dependent on porn, you’re not alone. There’s usually something you’re trying to avoid or soothe. The right therapist can help you break free from the trap of addiction.
As you consume porn, a chemical dependence and well-defined neural pathways are formed. Porn actually biologically reprograms how your brain works and inhibits your agency and decision-making. The more porn you consume, the more it takes from you. And you deserve so much more than that.
So, how do you start the healing process? It can feel overwhelming, especially if you’ve consumed porn from the time you were a child or teen. Reprogramming can bring with it some distress—like feeling frustrated, fatigued, agitated, tense, sad, shameful, or fearful. But a therapist can help you go back to the feeling that’s driving you, the root cause, and heal it. Healing the wound can empower you to manage your life in a positive way and experience true relief. And that relief doesn’t come from shaming or blaming yourself.
And this isn’t just for porn consumers. The hope and healing therapy can apply to partners suffering from betrayal trauma or individuals who have experienced sexual abuse or exploitation, too.
Therapy Styles
Therapists can help heal addiction and trauma individually and can also help couples trying to work on intimacy and connection in their relationships.
Therapy comes in many forms, like cognitive-based, emotion-based, and behavior-based. Many therapists who specialize in trauma or PTSD utilize IFS or EMDR therapies. And traumas don’t necessarily have to be something big like sexual abuse or a near death experience to be relevant to you. All of us have overwhelming life experiences and manage the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that come along with those experiences as best as we know how. These therapies help connect those emotions with the part of a person who knows how to fix the problem.
First and foremost, identify the specific concerns you’d like to address and goals you’d like to reach in therapy. Consider a therapist specializing in those areas and therapeutic approaches you’re interested in.
Where to Look For A Therapist
It’s important to review credentials and find a therapist trained in the skills and techniques you need. Thankfully, online search tools and directories have made the vetting process easier.
With that said, the number one consideration should be to find a good fit for you. Studies indicate that the most important factor in healing through therapy is to find a therapist with whom you can create a strong therapeutic alliance—a technical term for the relationship developed between therapist and client and their ability to work together to achieve the client’s goals.
Utilize the many “therapist finder” tools online. These personalized tools provide tailored recommendations for you from a database of curated professionals.
You can search according to specific preferences, needs, and criteria, like the type of therapy you’re interested in, the challenges you’d like to work through, therapists accepting new patients, therapists who take your insurance, and more.
Qualities to Look For In A Potential Therapist
Consider how well you and the professional communicate and form a strong team. You also may want to prioritize a therapist’s accessibility and location. For example, do you want to see a therapist online if you prefer or cannot travel? There are many online and teletherapy options that can be both convenient and highly effective. Or maybe you prefer an in-person connection with someone close to your home, work, or school.
Look for a knowledgeable, professional, empathetic, and experienced therapist, especially when it comes to the specific problems you’d like to work through.
Some clients prefer a provider with a similar background—like culture, race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. This may make it easier to focus on therapy without needing to explain or provide context to who you are. Consider if this is important to you in forming a therapeutic alliance.
With that said, it’s important to note that even if a therapist doesn’t share a client’s background, if they demonstrate cultural sensitivity, it’s still possible for treatment to be highly effective.
The Initial Contact/Screening Process
Contact and schedule consultations with a few therapists to gauge your connection and comfort level. Discuss their approach to treatment, and pay attention to how well they listen and respond sensitively to any personal information you share or questions you ask.
Your first contact with a potential therapist will likely be via an online contact form or email. Briefly introduce yourself, express your interest, and share your concerns or goals. However, don’t feel the pressure or need to tell your whole life story each time you talk to a potential option.
An initial consultation or screening usually comes next. Come with specific questions in mind. Here are a few examples:
- What is your treatment approach, and how might it help me?
- Have you helped people with concerns similar to mine in the past, and if so, how frequently?
- What do you anticipate the timeline for my treatment to be?
After the conversation, assess how comfortable and reassured you felt. Remember that while it’s natural to be curious about your therapist as an individual, most therapists set firm boundaries when answering specific personal questions about themselves, as this can potentially hinder or negatively affect your sessions and healing journey.
Should My Family Member or Significant Other Attend Therapy With Me?
It may be helpful to find a therapist who specializes in individual therapy and another who focuses on couples or family therapy.
It also may make sense to invite some of the significant people in your life to attend one of your sessions at some point, given that relationships are some of the most common issues discussed in therapy.
Your therapist will help establish clear, healthy boundaries when working with families or couples. The ultimate goal is to strengthen relationships and resolve conflict through productive communication.
Individual therapy is often still essential, whether alone or in conjunction with couples or family therapy. Because everyone is unique, creating a strong therapeutic alliance may mean a different fit for each person. Individual therapy also allows for privacy in openly discussing trauma or abuse.
Hope and Healing are Possible
Remember, there’s hope, and searching for a therapist is worth the effort. Forming a strong therapeutic alliance holds the potential to help you heal and significantly improve the quality of your life and relationships.
While diving into your story can feel like opening Pandora’s box, keep in mind that bringing your troubles to the surface also brings hope.
Have the courage to open the box and let it stay open. You may find that the wounds behind your attachment to pornography, your partner’s struggle, or your experience with abuse or exploitation can be healed, and the grip it has on you can be loosened. You can find that you have far more agency, capability to make decisions, and control over your own life than you ever thought possible.
Open up not just to anyone, but to a safe person with whom you can form a genuine therapeutic alliance built on trust.
If this is your first time trying therapy, we see you and commend you for your courage. If you’ve given it a go in the past and concluded it didn’t work, maybe try again. You’re worth it.
Fight for healing from pornography with Relay, the #1 group-based program for overcoming pornography use. Also, check out our resources like Fortify and our Get the Facts Articles to get more educated on the harmful effects of pornography.
