Porn promises immediate satisfaction, endless excitement, and easy intimacy, but in the end, it robs the consumer of all three. The more pornography an individual consumes, the more he or she tends to withdraw emotionally from real people and rely on porn. Eventually, it becomes more difficult to be aroused by a real person or to form a real relationship, and the resulting isolation and loneliness fuel the need for more porn.
Author and political activist Naomi Wolf has traveled all over the United States talking with college students about relationships. “When I ask about loneliness, a deep, sad silence descends on audiences of young men and young women alike,” she says. “They know they are lonely together … and that [porn] is a big part of that loneliness. What they don’t know is how to get out.” [1]
But what does porn have to do with loneliness?
“The more one uses pornography, the more lonely one becomes,” says Dr. Gary Brooks, a psychologist who has worked with porn addicts for the last 30 years. [2] “Anytime [a person] spends much time with the usual pornography usage cycle, it can’t help but be a depressing, demeaning, self-loathing kind of experience.” [3] The worse people feel about themselves, the more they seek comfort wherever they can get it. Normally, they would be able to rely on the people closest to them to help them through their hard times—a partner, friend, or family member. But most porn consumers aren’t exactly excited to tell anyone about their porn habits, least of all their partner. So they turn to the easiest source of “comfort” available: more porn.
“When one partner uses porn at a high frequency,” explains researcher Dr. Ana Bridges, “there can be a tendency to withdraw emotionally from the relationship.” [4] That’s partly because porn consumption causes the brain to rewire itself to connect sexual arousal with porn’s fantasies, [5] (see How Porn Changes The Brain) making it more difficult for the consumer to become aroused by a real person in a real relationship. [6] (See How Porn Damages Consumers’ Sex Lives.)
According to Bridges, as a porn consumer withdraws from his or her relationships, they experience “increased secrecy, less intimacy and also more depression.” [7] Studies have found that when people engage in an ongoing pattern of “self-concealment,”—which is when they do things they’re not proud of and keep them a secret—it not only hurts their relationships and leaves them feeling lonely, but also makes them more vulnerable to serious psychological issues. [8] For both male and female porn consumers, their habit is often accompanied by problems with anxiety, body-image issues, poor self-image, relationship problems, insecurity, and depression. [9]
That may be one reason why porn consumers struggle so much in their closest relationships. Studies have consistently shown that porn consumers tend to feel less love and trust in their marriages. [10] They also experience more negative communication with their partners, feel less dedicated to their relationship, have a harder time making adjustments to their partner, enjoy less sexual satisfaction, and commit more infidelity. [11] Meanwhile, spouses of porn consumers report decreased intimacy in their marriages and a feeling of being less understood by their porn-consuming partners. [12] Relationship experts, Doctors John and Julie Gottman explain, “there are many factors about porn use that can threaten a relationship’s intimacy [which] for couples is a source of connection and communication between two people. But when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to porn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction.”
A second reason porn consumers struggle with relationships is because of the nature of porn itself. Porn portrays both men and women as little more than bodies with a single purpose, to give and receive sexual pleasure. [13] Whether porn consumers like it or not, those perceptions often start creeping into how they see themselves and other people in real life. [14] The harder it becomes for users to see themselves and others as anything more than sexual objects, the harder it is to develop and nurture real relationships. [15]
“There’s a certain way of experiencing sexual arousal that is the opposite of closeness,” Brooks says. “At best, it can be managed somewhat by some people, but most of the time it creates a barrier that poisons relationships.” [16] The Gottmans go on to explain, “when watching pornography the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner. Thus a porn user may form the unrealistic expectation that sex will be under only one person’s control… the relationship goal of intimate connection is confounded and ultimately lost.”
The kind of intimacy porn offers is nothing more than sexual titillation. Real intimacy offers so much more. Real intimacy is a world of satisfaction and excitement that doesn’t disappear when the screen goes off. It’s the breathtaking risk of being vulnerable with another human being. It’s inviting them not just into your bedroom, but into your heart and life. Real intimacy is about what we give, not just what we get. It’s other-centered, not self-centered. Intimacy is understanding someone at a level porn never attempts, and having the life-altering experience of having them listen—really listen—to you in return. It’s seeing yourself through other eyes, and caring about others as much as you care about yourself. It’s the astonishing, baffling, wonderful experience that artists and philosophers have been trying to describe ever since our lonely human tribe began.
It’s the opposite of loneliness. It’s love.