This is a guest post written by Chandler Rogers, founder of Relay. All personal stories are shared with permission, names may be changed for privacy.
“I didn’t know if I belonged if I deserved a good life, or even a life at all. I had been hurt years before, which turned into me hurting the good people around me that I cared for. I wasn’t sure I deserved another chance. In my head, I kept hearing this voice saying, ‘You’re only going to mess it up again and again, forever.’ I truly felt like I was only capable of screwing up – because deep down, I believed that I was a screw-up.”
The rawness and realness of his words pierced me to the core. I, too, have struggled with pornography for more than 12 years. And having attended recovery groups for 10 of those years, I’ve heard hundreds of first-hand stories from people of all ages, both men and women.
Recently, I asked a few of these people to share their journey with pornography with me. I knew I’d hear honesty, but the level of vulnerability in what they shared about their struggles and their triumphs reminded me of the severe impact that pornography has had on my life and so many around me.
So, rather than telling the story of just one person, here are 10 different perspectives from individuals from various backgrounds who are united in sharing their stories to help those struggling.
Hitting Rock Bottom
At the lowest point of his addiction, Dayne felt like there was no escaping.
“I was hidden. I was scared. I was alone. I had everything I had wanted, yet I felt lost and empty. My wife and I both knew we were faking life but never talked about it. The cloud was always there. I lived with this ever-present reality that I was one step away from losing everything. I hated myself and saw no way out. There was no hope. I was so alone,” Dayne said.
Max felt numb, trapped in an endless cycle, unable to come up for air.
“At my worst, I didn’t care about anything anymore. Life felt meaningless, and everything I touched seemed to fall apart. I was destroying everything—relationships, opportunities, even my own sense of self. I wasn’t living, just going through the motions in this numb, detached haze. I felt like I was just a collection of bad habits wearing human skin. There was no joy, drive, or hope—just me, stuck in a cycle of destruction. I could see the damage I was doing, but it was less like a choice and more like sinking slowly into a swamp. At some point, you stop trying to get out and just let yourself drown,” Max said.
“Sinking slowly into a swamp.” That imagery so thoroughly captures one of the biggest themes of trying to quit porn: feeling stuck. Trapped. Powerless. Drowning. Barely mustering enough effort to get up and fight again… and then again.
And yet, despite each effort, you just feel like you’re sinking deeper.
Kevin puts it this way at his darkest point, “I felt like a rat in a cage being pumped full of a drug in some cruel experiment. But I was also the scientist,” he says, “which makes it so much worse.”
In the wake of Kevin’s addiction was wreckage.
“I was sneaking breaks in the bathroom at work to get a glimpse on my phone. I was waking up early just so I could sneak off to the living room to scroll and get off for an hour before my girlfriend woke up. I had erectile dysfunction at 30. I was spending a huge amount of my free time on a useless, destructive habit. I had always known it was a problem, too, but I couldn’t muster the strength to take recovery seriously. I didn’t have the knowledge even if I had wanted to. That was the worst point, just being constantly angry and disappointed in myself below the surface for not knowing how to quit this thing I knew had become an addiction.”
Mark, in a similar way, was unraveling.
“At my lowest point, I was spending an unhinged amount of time viewing images – I’m talking like 20 to 30 hours a week. Sometimes even staying up until 5:00 A.M. on a work night, completely draining me of energy and motivation.”
The one thing I’ve learned is that pornography is no respecter of persons. How does anyone get caught in a porn addiction for so many years? How do any of us, with every good intention, come to feel so hopeless and beaten down by this digital drug?
It’s a lot to grieve.
The Impacts of Pornography
Sean explains feeling like he “existed in this life but wasn’t living.”
“I had low self-esteem and very little self-worth. I faked a completely different personality to mask my pain and the true me. I lied to myself and everybody that mattered to me. At the worst point of my addiction, I betrayed my wife with shallow conversations and fantasies and didn’t truly love and care for the most important person in my life. I walked on a very thin layer of ice on a path to nothingness, pain, and on the verge of losing everything I worked so dearly for,” Sean says.
Ayan’s words echo a similar sentiment.
“It felt like I was existing rather than living. It affected every facet of my life and left me in a cycle of constant shame, guilt, and self-sabotage. I was isolating myself from my friends and family. I was desensitized from physical connections and developed erectile dysfunction. I had a girlfriend I loved but didn’t want to spend time with. I was taking time off work to watch porn all day long, just to end up totally depleted of my energy, my motivation, and at one point, my love and appreciation for life.”
And if you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone.
Turning A Corner
The most humbling part of hearing all these stories is knowing that these individuals are so much like everyone else – seemingly successful in their careers or school, happy in their relationships, and present with their friends or family.
I know it was terrifying for them to open up about their secret struggles for the first time, whether it was to their spouse or to their group.
It can be scary to shatter that seemingly “perfect” perception others have of you. But, in all honesty, I’ve personally never thought more highly of these individuals than after I heard them share their pain, losses, shame, and desire for more for themselves.
Every person’s journey to quitting porn is unique. Some of us get caught by a partner one day and finally admit just how badly we need help. For others of us, rock bottom isn’t a singular event; we just look up one day and realize how far the current has swept us away from shore.
Whether through a sudden awakening or a gradual dawning, the common thread is that we realize that we weren’t meant to live this way.
People say that rock bottom isn’t the end but rather the foundation. In these dark stories, I find glimmers of that profound truth – that no matter how bleak one’s circumstances have become or how high the wreckage has piled up, there’s fertile ground underneath the mess where real change can begin to take root.
Often, even through the cracks of the rockiest soil, the first signs of life and rebirth can push through.
Getting Help
Each of these individuals reached a point where, in the darkest moments, they found a sliver of hope—small but enough to begin the journey upward.
Hope is a difficult thing to capture with mere words on a page. It’s a feeling, a belief that something better really does exist, even when you can’t yet see it.
The kind of hope that inspires you—the kind you can hold on to—starts by listening to those who have lived through the worst and found their way to the other side.
These 10 individuals have begun to experience a life free from porn with the help of Relay, a group-therapy-focused recovery community, and felt the ground stabilize beneath them.
Experiencing Change
“It’s like waking up from being a zombie. Feeling my emotions again, feeling my intuition and a connection with a power bigger than me. It forced me to be vulnerable and in doing so, gained the ability to emotionally connect with others… I’m already becoming a totally different person, starting to be the man I’ve always wanted to be. I know how dark it can get, and I now aspire to be a light for the world,” Ayan says.
Dusty describes how he’s found hope and direction.
“My journey is just beginning, and I haven’t reached cruising altitude…in fact, I intend to never stop climbing. I am actively working to never go back to the person I was before. I can’t experience that tailspin ever again. As I focus on healthy habits, my recovery is changing me from the inside out. I have new habits and boundaries that are giving me hope. They say the opposite of addiction is a connection, and I have found a connection in the community of Relay. I still struggle with the consequences of addiction and the fallout of years of struggle, but now I have a direction. I have community.”
The Dayne that felt hidden and like he and his wife were “faking it” in their marriage has seen things change dramatically.
“Saying ‘I love you’ to my kids and my wife is a totally different ‘I love you’. I know that I can be proud of who I am. I know that I am not the one in control of everything, and I don’t have to be. I have hope, and I feel known by my wife. Nothing is as important as my family and truth and honesty. I am not afraid to be Dayne because I have nothing to hide. Life will still happen, and hardships will still come, but I will be myself. Nothing is done in secret. I am an open book.”
Dayne later mentioned how much the decision to be vulnerable has helped him make this transformation after 30 years of feeling stuck.
“I am grateful for the power that vulnerability has when I embrace it. Through stepping into vulnerability and community, I have seen more impact on my progress than anything else,” Dayne says.
Nick observed, “I can be honest with my feelings and be open about them with others. Now, I care more about people’s feelings and connecting with them more personally. I care more about sex being focused on intimacy with my partner and not about ‘getting off.”
Sean nearly lost everything, but through dedicated work and connection, is porn free for more than 250 days.
“First and foremost, I have spent 0 seconds looking at pornography. I have gained hours back in my life on a typical week, and I have spent all the hours I gained focused on developing myself and my relationships. I have regained a ton of trust with my wife. I can finally feel the air outside of the cage of addiction that I built around myself for decades. And while I consider my road to personal betterment to be infinitely long and continuing, I can finally see a positive reflection of myself that I try to walk towards on a day-to-day basis. And most importantly: #NeverGoingBack,” Sean says.
Over the past year, I’ve gotten to know Sean personally, and I can attest that his momentum and passion for healing are contagious. It’s fitting that he now signs off nearly every message with the motto #NeverGoingBack.
Kevin, who had long felt stuck and angry at himself, now says he’s finally living his life.
“Taking my recovery work seriously, and the resulting progress I’ve been making has given me confidence that I’ve never had in myself. I still have a long way to go, but feeling these improvements in my physical, emotional, mental, and social health after just weeks and months gives me a lot of hope and desire to keep working at it. ‘Someday’ is today, and that feels amazing. Now, I can look up and see endless possibilities with clarity and hope. It’s all still challenging, but my perspective is so much better when I’m sober from porn. I’m the best version of me that I’ve ever been, and that’s worth continuing this journey for.”
Reaching for Hope
There’s a saying that goes, “The deeper the sorrow, the greater the capacity for joy.”
What these stories show is that the years of struggle and pain are ultimately what led to deep healing and greater satisfaction for life—often more than they ever had before.
The dark places we’ve all walked through pave the way for a light that brings clarity, purpose, and connection. And while the path to change isn’t easy, it’s important to remember that each step forward is truly a vote for the kind of person you want to be.
Max’s words sum it all best.
“The most surprising thing about this journey has been realizing just how much life has to offer when you stop actively destroying it. It’s like I’ve been living with blinders on for years, and now that they’re off, I’m amazed at what I can see. Simple things—like having a conversation without feeling distracted, or waking up without regret—feel new and meaningful. There’s this sense of freedom in knowing that I’m not constantly undoing my own progress anymore. I’m starting to see glimpses of what life can be when I’m not stuck in self-sabotage. Relationships feel deeper, and I’m more present in my own life. It’s still hard, and some days I mess up, but the fact that I can even imagine a future where I’m not drowning in my own choices? That’s something I never thought I’d get to experience. And that amazes me.”
Join Relay for No Porn Novemeber
If you resonate with any of the stories shared above, we invite you to learn about Relay – the #1 group-based program for quitting porn. It’s similar to group therapy, but cheaper and available at your fingertips 24/7.
When you join Relay, you’ll be matched into an accountability group with daily tools, therapist-created lessons, and a powerful community. It’s a holistic, comprehensive program to address the root issues of your addiction together with a strong support system.
During November only, get $50 off the Relay program with code FIGHT50 at checkout.
Head to www.ftnd.org/relay and use the code FIGHT50 at checkout, to get the full support you need to quit porn today.
*Fight the New Drug is an affiliate of Relay and may receive financial support from purchases made using affiliate links.