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The Diary Of A Porn Addict’s Girlfriend

By July 6, 2017February 20th, 2020No Comments
This article was first published on nzgirl.co.nz and is republished with permission of the author.

Sometimes, a porn habit can evolve and grow into something that the viewer could never have anticipated. It can start to affect a relationship with a romantic partner, harm friendships, hurt family relationships, and worst of all, damage the viewer’s relationship with them self. We share this story not to shame porn viewers, but to shed light on how porn isn’t just a personal issue—it can grow to affect everyone around the viewer, especially their loved ones. This is the story from one Fighter, whose boyfriend’s porn habit grew to not only harm him, but also her.

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The beginning

We met online, funnily enough. It really wasn’t my thing but we hit it off instantly. I liked your charm, you liked my sense of humor. I think it was our second date when you said “hey by the way, I watch a lot of porn.” Being the open-minded, sexually confident, modern woman I am, I said, “hey that’s okay, that’s healthy.” I had enjoyed porn myself and I had no idea it could be harmful.

We both had a healthy sex drive and I thought we could enjoy it together to enhance our relationship.

I admired how you had turned your life around and decided to stop losing yourself in drugs and cigarettes. I thought nothing when I found out you watched porn a few times a day. I tried to watch it with you a few times, but you weren’t into it. I thought maybe that was because of your respect for me, but I think it’s just because it was your thing, it was your relationship and you didn’t want to share that with me. It was by watching your behavior that I started to think that porn might be addictive.

Related: How To Tell If Your Partner Is Struggling With Porn & What To Do If They Are

I noticed when we were watching some sort of screen your pupils would dilate so rapidly, even at the hint of a female form. I found that pretty weird. Then there was the staring in the street. And when I say staring I mean intensely sizing up any woman you found vaguely attractive. I could feel your imagination go wild and how she was essentially hotter than me and what you would like to do to her. I dismissed this as I thought, “Hey, guys look.” I mentioned to you this behavior that concerned me and how I thought that you might be addicted to porn, but this just made you angry.

I didn’t watch very often but I decided to stop watching porn entirely after an intense experience at the supermarket just after watching porn. Every curve of a woman, glimpse of any female shape or part, flashed before me, I was imagining them naked. I was objectifying my own sex and it didn’t feel healthy. It also felt like I was ill and I haven’t watched porn since.

Living together

We decided to live together, which I was excited about, because although the porn was hurting me, I could see it for what it was and I could see you for who you were and I thought you were amazing. I was however nervous about the fact that if you were used to watching porn a few times a day and you seemed to be addicted, how would that play out? Would you watch it every time I left the house? Would you watch it while I was in the house distracted? Would you be able to put me first?

RelatedThis 5 Minute Test Might Tell You If You’re Addicted To Porn

I asked you how you felt about having some form of daily intimacy. We both had a high sex drive and you were used to watching porn a few times a day so why not? You said that having sex with me every day would just be boring.

I found it hard to believe that a man would not want a sexy woman to be very sexually attracted to him. Isn’t that every man’s dream? You told our counsellor later that you watched porn, as you were sick of me being so sexually charged and it was a refuge.

Related: True Story: I Became His Porn Star To Try And Save Our Relationship

So I tried to keep it from being boring. Role playing, lap dances, you name it. I know now that the problem wasn’t my sexiness, it was that I was the same woman every time. Porn isn’t.

Talking it over

There were many times I tried to talk to you about your porn habit. I would try being gentle in my approach but every time you became very hostile and aggressive and would leave.

You would always come around and act apologetically. After, for a period of two weeks to two months you would punish me by not sleeping with me. You told me this was because you didn’t trust me.

I tried setting boundaries around porn, but I still felt uncomfortable. I finally built up the courage to ask you to stop watching it. I wasn’t prepared for the biggest violent rage I had ever seen from you. Screaming at me, smashing your fists with full strength on the walls. When you calmed down I calmly asked you if you could concentrate on our sex life instead of porn. You said, “Give up porn to focus on you? Yeah right.”

RelatedHow To Talk About Porn With Your Partner & Why It’s Necessary That You Do

It was then I knew you were broken.

We went to counseling and I thought that the counsellor would be trained in porn addiction and would see the signs but she wasn’t and she didn’t. She did suggest that you stop watching porn as it doesn’t generally help relationships.

I believe you may have tried to stop. The thing is that it was like a crack addiction. Even though you hadn’t watched it for a while, one session was enough to set you off. I guess it brought out an abusive misogynistic side of you who kind of hated me. Hated my femaleness.

I found it so ironic that you seemed to hate me because of an obsession over watching images of my own female species. I could never try hard enough or do enough for you when it was affecting you. Despite trying everyday to make life for us better, and trying to see the person not the addiction and loving you fiercely, I was not ever quite good enough.

RelatedTrue Story: The Day I Realized My Porn Obsessed Partner Wasn’t Attracted To Me Anymore

I went to several counseling sessions on my own where I described your behavior. I went to a psychologist that specializes in addictions and he told me that your behavior was very typical of a strong addiction to alcohol or drugs and that it was definitely not okay. I even broke down to two female friends of yours because you kept telling me that all your mates watch porn and that it is normal.

The last straw

After one of our blow-ups when I mentioned the out of bounds subject again, you as usual retreated to the spare room so we could “build up trust again.” You were very offended that I didn’t trust you (even though your behavior was completely untrustworthy). You said that I needed help myself and that me going on about your porn use made you feel like a victim. So you stayed in the spare room so we could build up trust and you watched porn.

RelatedNearly Half Of Adults Think Violent Porn Is Okay, National Survey Finds

We had a family holiday and I could see that you had started watching porn again. I could see the withdrawals all weekend. When we had sex you had to pretend that I was someone else to get excited. You left early to go home on your own and convinced me to stay behind. You argued with me in front of my parents to get me to stay. I was in pain and I hadn’t slept for three nights but you didn’t care. I knew you were going to go straight home and watch porn. I had given up checking your phone but after you were so hideously abusive after coming home from the pub one night, I did. Sure enough as soon as you got in the house from the trip, you had watched porn.

I calmly asked you what you did when you got home on Sunday night. You pretended to not understand and then said something obscene and defensive. Then you proceeded to abuse me so badly I knew it was the end. You were yelling full noise telling me I was absolutely insane and awful and that I didn’t know anything about the internet and that you hadn’t actually watched it, they were just tabs open.

RelatedData Shows Domestic Violence Increase Is Being Fueled By Violent Porn

You left as usual and I mentioned that you have a hot woman (your admission) at home who you are attracted to, but you prefer a screen and that I think that is sad. You came at me with speed. Both your fists came towards my face and stopped, 5cm away. You left.

That was the end. I told you to pack your things and get out of my house.

Porn as a drug

So to my partner, who I had to remove from my life and the porn that was involved in that—you destroyed my life and you destroyed our life. I feel violated for some reason as if you had actually cheated on me with a person. If you did, at least I would have someone to be angry at. In the end, a smartphone screen won over me, and I have no place inside of me to deal with that.

RelatedAn Open Letter To My Husband’s Porn Star Fantasies

It was the most dehumanizing, de-feminizing, devaluing and traumatically confusing experience I have ever had…and you don’t care.

Until you actually stop watching porn, stop taking your drug, you will not start to understand what has happened and feel things properly. You will not start to see anything wrong with your abusive and violent behavior towards me.

Related3 Ways To Help Your Porn-Obsessed Brain Recover

It is becoming clear to society that porn is a drug with the same negative effects. If more people knew that what we have in our hands, what we can access on our phones in five seconds is the like drugs for the brain, I think they would be able to make an informed choice about porn. We need to talk about this.

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Why This Matters

This woman’s heartbreaking story is all too similar to many partners of those who can’t see how porn is deeply harming their relationship. The fact is, research on porn and its effects on the viewer and their relationships show us just how damaging it is.

Porn is toxic. It doesn’t build relationships up, it tears them down. It’s time we fight for authentic relationships that thrive off of commitment, trust, and respect. Porn doesn’t add that to a relationship, but love does. We fight for love because it’s so much healthier (and better) than any amount of porn.

What YOU Can Do

Porn has the potential to cause lasting, damaging harms to committed relationships. SHARE this article because the world deserves to know the truth about porn and its harmful effects.

Need help?

For those reading this who feel they are struggling with an obsession or addiction to pornography, you are not alone. Check out our friends at Fortify, a recovery program that will allow you take a step toward freedom. Anyone 20 years and younger can apply for a free scholarship to the program, and it is an inexpensive fee for anyone 21 and older. There is hope—sign up today and start getting the help you need at your own pace.

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